


Facing the past

by Tilltheendoftheline



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Civil War, F/M, Fighting, Finished, Fluff, Hydra, Marvel - Freeform, Protective Bucky Barnes, Red Room, S.H.I.E.L.D., extreme protective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5497097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tilltheendoftheline/pseuds/Tilltheendoftheline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Bucky is alone and free from Hydra, he needs to find a way to protect himself from S.H.I.E.L.D. The first person to help him comes from his past, his past in Hydra.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like old friends

**Author's Note:**

> Please keep in mind that i'm not a native English speaker, so there might be a few mistakes. But i'm trying my best and i'm really really happy about this. 
> 
> This fanficion is my own idea and interpretation about the beginning of Civil war, I hope you enjoy it as much as I had fun writing this.

Growing up, I didn’t have a mother or a father. I don’t know what happened, they told me different stories. Their favorite story was that they found me dumped one the side of the road. Every time I didn’t behave or wasn’t doing the best I could, they loved to rub in how I was nothing, how I should be happy that they found me. It was to hurt me. But after 10 years I got used to it. 10 years is long enough to emotionally break a child, it’s long enough to crush any empathy left in them. It’s more than long enough to create a weapon, who can kill in cold blood.

I've lived in America for five years now. They got me my own apartment close to central park and have been giving me a salary to have a comfortable life. I had never been so free before, but I hated it. I hated America, I hated the warmth and the people interfering with business they had nothing to do with. I wanted to go back to Russia, to the snow and the comfort of having a life that was controlled by other people. I wanted to go back to my old life, of training him and making his weapons. They never told me his name and he didn’t speak to me, but I felt safe around him. I haven’t seen him since the Americans caught me.

I don’t know what it was, but I was completely in love with snow. The silence and atmosphere had made me smile. It made walking back from work a hundred percent better. I just did my groceries and was walking on my normal way home, while big snowflakes fell out of the sky. These were the times in which I was the happiest. I took my keys from my pocket and walked into my apartment complex. I shook the snow of my clothes and stepped in the elevator to go up to my floor. They played an annoying song, which I had already heard a thousand times. But it was part of my routine and I missed it on days that I took the stairs. The elevator stopped and I walked outside. The door closed behind me and the song fainted, while I opened my front door. The apartment they got me wasn’t very big, I had an open kitchen right next to the door, with a small living room where there was a small couch and an old TV. I had a bedroom with quite a big bed, a salon table and a closet. The bathroom was right next to that. They told me I was lucky to have a bathtub, but I didn’t use it much. I put my groceries on the kitchen table and started to unpack the stuff I bought. The last thing I unpacked was my Colt M1911 handgun, from the back of my pants. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t carry my weapon with me. I never had proper education, but I could tell you exactly what went in a gun and what was needed to make a bomb. Thanks to that knowledge I was still alive. It made me useful for the Americans. Tony Stark stopped making weapons and the one taking over was me. A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. I frowned, nobody ever knocked on my door. The only time they did was to send me on a mission. Carefully, I walked towards the door. I placed my hand on the doorknob and opened the door. A hooded figure stood with his back towards the door, he was tall and quite muscular.

“Can I help you?” I didn’t have an accent anymore. They gave me more than enough lessons to make that disappear. The hooded figure turned around, which made my heart drop to my stomach. In shock, I stepped back and reached for my gun…fuck, the weapon was still on the kitchen table. Adrenaline started to pump through my body, I was ready to fight.

“I’m not here to kill you, Irina I need your help,” the man said in a raspy voice. I took another step back, just three more steps and I was close enough to get my gun.

“Irina, I’m not the man I used to be. I’m not with them anymore,”. He stepped inside and pushed his hood off his head. It was still the same man, as if I had stepped back five years in time. His dark hair still fell greasy on his shoulders and his blue eyes still hypnotized me to a point were I didn’t even think about my weapon.

“I’m Erin,” I said. I hadn’t heard my real name in years. The Americans tried so hard to take all my heritage from me. I wasn’t Irina anymore, my new name was Erin, an American. The man stepped inside and closed the door behind him. The loud sound of the door closing, snapped me back into reality. I took a massive step back to my kitchen table, to take my gun and point it towards him. I knew what his mission was. I had heard about his work more than enough to know that this was the day that I was going to die.

“Get out. You know I’m not afraid to pull the trigger. The American government would thank me to bring your body to them,” I hissed. My hand felt sweaty and I notice how I started to shake. It was a long time ago that I was faced with my past and it was scaring me to death.

“Irina, it’s me. I know that you can kill me and I know that you know that I can protect myself,” he said. I frowned and slowly lowered my gun. This was the man who I trained with for years in Russia, my homeland. It was the man who I made weapons for, while I got trained in the red room. It was the man who used to be my safe place.

“What do you want,” I said. The man stepped closer and leaned forward, to take the weapon out of my hand and place it on the kitchen counter.

“I…I don’t know,” he said softly. I never saw any kind of emotions in his eyes, except now. It was like he turned human again, the machine Hydra made was gone. The adrenaline in my body slowed down, just like my heart rate. I frowned and sighed. I had lived the last five years in complete peace. Sometimes they send me on a mission to retrieve information or even assassinate someone, but it was nothing like working for Hydra.

“Take off your hoodie, I want to know for sure that you don’t have a weapon,” I said. The man sighed and pulled his hoodie over his head. He had a simple shirt under his hoodie, which revealed the metal arm Hydra made for him. My eyes scanned his body, it appeared that he didn’t carry a weapon with him. I gave him a nod, as a sign to put his hoodie back on.

“Talk.” The man sighed and pointed towards the kitchen chairs.

“Can we please sit down?” he asked. I took a step back, to sit down on the chair. There wasn’t a moment where I let him out of my sight. He had no gun on him, but that didn’t make him any safer. He knew how to kill with just a hand. He sat down and placed both his hands on the table.

“I…I don’t know what happened, Irina. I had this mission. They made me kill this man, but something changed. It wasn’t just a man like before. He…he said he knew me,” he started to stutter. I frowned and slowly turned towards him. I never heard him speak so much before, it surprised me.

“He knew you?” I asked slowly. He nodded.

“Yes, he knew me. I ran away for him…from Hydra. And I saw you…I lived here in the park for a few days and I saw you walking. You worked with me in Hydra, your name is Irina,” he said. He looked up, his bright eyes piercing through mine.

“What do you want from me?” I asked. He lowered his eyes again and shrugged. His hand had found a bag of chips. The silence between them got interrupted by the crinkling of the bag.

“I’m scared that they are going to hunt me down…Hydra or Americans…or the man from my mission. I have nothing…my arm is half busted and my guns are all empty. I need some help,” his voice got more confident with every word he said. He left the bag alone and leaned closer towards me. His face was only a few centimeters away from mine.

“Like old times Irina. You never were scared of me; you knew what my value was. We are a team together,” he said. My throat went dry by the idea of teaming up with him. The idea of betraying America didn’t sound good to me. I didn’t like America, but they had been good to me. They would kill me if they knew I teamed up with him. I looked up, right into his blue eyes. I loved his eyes as much as the snow, from the first time I saw him, I was sold on his eyes.

“Irina, please. I need you, I’m nothing without a team,” he said. I closed my eyes and sighed.

“Okay…okay, but I can’t do everything I used to do for you. I don’t have anything here, except my gun. You need to give me time to make things. The Americans are slowly trusting me, I might be able to smuggle something home. And stop calling me Irina, I’m Erin,” I sighed. He showed his white teeth in a big smile.

“No, no I hate that name. You’re Irina, my Irina,” he smiled. 


	2. We're a team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for Irina her 'hate' towards the Americans, it just seemed more fitting if she disliked it. It's not my opinion, it's just the way she things. From here she also starts to curse more, just a warning. Hope you enjoy!

We used to meet up three times a week. They pulled me out of the bedrooms without any word and brought me to the training area. All the girls trained together, but he used to be there alone. They had told me how he broke limbs from the girls and that’s why nobody volunteered to help him. I don’t know why I agreed, I had my fair share of fighting and knew how it felt to break something. It wasn’t something I would agree to. Somehow I found myself facing him, ready for a friendly fight. He never hurt me, he knew exactly when he was too rough and when he needed to stop. As a reward they gave me permission to put my education about weaponry to the test, I was allowed to make his guns and bombs. We never spoke to each other, but I knew exactly what he wanted for his missions. Somehow we were able to communicate without any words, we were a team.

“Thanks again for letting me stay here, I really appreciate it,”. I started to make dinner, knowing that he was starving. After his news, I wasn’t hungry, I felt sick. I couldn’t believe that I was together with him again, fighting against everybody.

“It’s okay,” I mumbled. I stirred through the pasta and looked behind me. He was still sitting on the kitchen chair.

“You need to shower, you look like crap,” I said. He looked up and showed a crooked smile. The man got up from his chair and walked closer to me. He glanced in the saucepan and turned his eyes after that towards me.

“You got a name now? Kind of sick of calling you ‘him’,” I said. He chuckled and nodded.

“I went to the Smithsonian and they got this Captain America exhibition…I was there. They had a part about me. I’m James Buchanan Barnes, I was the best friend of Captain America and I got lost…Hydra found me. Steve used to call me Bucky, so you can call me like that,” he said. They had never told me his history; nobody knew each others history. We lived in the future and didn’t look back. The only thing I knew about him, that he looked like this when I was a child. He didn’t age and I did. Hydra did something to him, something special. I looked down at the pasta and nodded.

“How ironic, histories best Russian assassin named after an American president,” I chuckled. Bucky shrugged and leaned against the counter with his butt.

“Yeah. Do you have stuff for me so I can jump in the shower?” he asked. I opened a cupboard and took two plates from it.

“Not really, well, if you want to smell like summer sunset you can go wild. I have nothing for a man. But when we’re done with eating I’ll go to the drugstore down the road. I’ll get you some underwear and some basic stuff. Do you need some razors or are you falling in love with those stupid beards too?” I asked, while I shared the pasta between the two plates.

“Just buy the essentials, I don’t need more,” he said. Bucky walked back to his chair and waited until I gave him his plate.

“So what’s the plan?” I asked. I sat down and stuffed my mouth full with pasta. The man shrugged and started to pick at some pieces of pasta on his fork.

“I think the first thing I need to do right now is to make sure that there isn’t a bug or something in this arm. Something tells me that Hydra wants revenge on the fact that I didn’t listen to them. I need to rethink everything and I need weapons,” Bucky said. He took a bite and sighed.

“This is really good…I can’t remember the last time I had a proper meal,” he sighed. I looked at Bucky and smiled. A silence fell between us. It was awkward to sit and eat a peaceful dinner with the man who you're supposed to fear. I was happy to be able to step out of the apartment. I needed to clear my head.  
Normally it took me almost twenty minutes to go to the drugstore, due to the long queue. But out of all days, the place decided to open a second cash desk today. After fifteen minutes I was back to the building of my apartment. I didn’t want to go back inside yet. Inside waited a big responsibility and I wasn’t ready for it yet. For now, I needed the snow, the calming atmosphere. Hypnotized I watched my breath fluttered in small clouds, up into the air.

“Are you okay?” A deep voice asked behind me. I stepped away from the wall I had leaned against and looked back. Bucky was standing behind me, with his arms crossed before his chest.

“Yeah, just needed some air. I…eh…I love the snow. It’s the only thing that reminds me of home. I’m sorry though, you need your stuff. Come, we’ll go upstairs,” I mumbled. I walked past Bucky, to go inside again, but Bucky grabbed my arm. His metal arm had touched me so many times, while fighting but this was so much different. I looked up, directly into his blue eyes.

“You can step out of this. I get it if you want to stay here, safe. It’s dangerous with me, you know that. I’m not forcing you to do anything. You are the only person I felt like I could go to, but don’t feel pressured. I can go right now and you’ll never see me again, just say it,” he said. I looked down at his hand, closed around my upper arm.

“I haven’t seen you for over five years. You come barging into my apartment, about two hours ago with the suggestion to team up. I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t gave you a fucking parade,” I hissed. Bucky frowned, his grip around my arm got stronger.

“Do you want me here or not?” Bucky asked, raising his voice slightly. I pulled my arm back, while I gave the man an angry look. I liked it better when he didn’t speak.

“Do you think I would have let you eat with me if I didn’t commit to this? Come on. It’s like you said, we’re a team. Just give me a while to get back into it,” I said. Bucky took the plastic bag out of my hands and nodded.

“I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t give you the idea that I forced you. Come, you must be freezing. Let’s go upstairs,” he said softly. The man placed his hand on my lower back while we walked towards the elevator.

“Why did you come downstairs?” I asked, while the annoying tune of the elevator played it's song. Bucky leaned against the wall and shrugged.

“I was worried. You told me it would take about twenty minutes, and you were still gone after a half hour. I wanted to make sure that you were okay,” he mumbled. Surprised, I looked up at him. He was the last person I suspected to care about me. It was a surprise that someone cared about me at all. Nobody had cared about me for a long time.

“O, I get lost in time sometimes. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll just stare out of the window. Sorry for your shower delay. I got you ‘winter midnight’ to shower with, if that makes it a bit better,” I said, with a faint smile around my lips. Bucky chuckled and gave an approved nod.

“Stupid names,” he smiled.

“Americans, they think it will sell more if you put a stupid ass name on it,” I chuckled. The elevator door opened and we both stepped outside, to go back to the apartment.  


	3. The training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bits of charming old Bucky are coming backkkk
> 
> enjoy reading!

I loved training. The feeling of sweat on my body and the burning in my muscles. It made me feel alive. From a young age I learned to train at least every day. They would divide the girls in big groups, but when I turned 18 there were only groups left of 5 girls each. Many of them didn’t survive the training, only the strong girls were honored to live. The training with him were much safer. He wasn’t allowed to kill a girl, like we were. He could break a limb, but everybody would choose a broken arm above a broken neck.  I still trained, it made me feel like I was home. It was of course much safer and less hard. 

My eyes scanned over my own body, pausing at the places where previous fights had left their scars. I loved scars. They tell a story and show that you’ve got life experience. They showed background and made you not forget about your past.

“I got this one thanks to you,” I said. I turned away from the mirror, while pointing at my stomach. Bucky wanted to train together, so I had changed in to my sports bra with my yoga pants. One of the perks of this apartment building was that there was a gym in the basement that nobody used. I trained there every morning, so I   
knew it was safe for Bucky to go.

“What did I do?” Bucky asked. He got up from the bed and stooped to look at the light stripe just under my navel.

“You cut me. Remember that first time you wanted to train with your stupid knife? You fucking cut me in the abdomen,” I chuckled. The man frowned and got up. I had shopped for him a few days ago and bought some clothes in which he could train as well. He was dressed in a loose short with a black shirt.

“Makes you tough. Let’s get downstairs,” Bucky said. He walked out of the bedroom, with me behind him. We walked in the elevator, where the same tune played; as always. I took a hair tie from my wrist and stepped next to Bucky.

“Come here,” I mumbled. The man bowed down and let me put his hair in an small bun.

“I might leave for a few days,” Bucky said, when the lift stopped. I frowned and looked up at him.

“Why, what are you going to do?” I asked. Bucky had spent a week with me and he had never mentioned a plan of attack, or an idea. He never mentioned anything.

“Well, I need to get in this arm. They might have bugged it. I’m going to find someone or something that can help me out,” Bucky said. We walked out the elevator, towards the gym.

“And I need you to assemble guns for me. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, but I'll need guns when I get back,” Bucky said. I didn’t like the idea of Bucky leaving. We were supposed to be a team, but he worked alone. The man was used to working alone and he wasn’t going to change.

“I don’t like this,” I said, while putting my long, blond hair into a high ponytail. Bucky looked at me and sighed.

“Come on, it’s only a few days. And I’m taking your gun with me, so I’m a bit more safe,” Bucky said. I stopped walking. I was never going to give up my gun.

“I’d like to see you try. I don’t care if you get your stupid ass in trouble, you’re not getting my gun,” I said. I had placed my hand against my hips and looked at how Bucky turned around, about a meter away from me. He cracked his knuckles and shook his head.

“Like you need a gun to protect yourself. You got your foul mouth, that’s protection enough there,” he said. I felt myself getting angry. He dare use me, he only wanted weapons and some place to sleep peacefully.

“The only way for you to get my gun is to take it out of my dead hand. You are not getting my gun. I’m already making one for you. If you want to be safe I can go with you,” I yelled. Bucky looked up and sighed again.

“We’ll talk about this later, come on. I want you to teach me what they taught you. That red haired girl almost got me and I want to be prepared when they send her out again,” Bucky said. I snored by the idea of Natalia kicking Bucky’s butt. Every girl from the red room knew who Natalia was, a traitor. But a traitor with a mean kick. I had never the pleasure to meet her, but hearing about her made me want to fight her. I wanted to see and feel how strong this Black Widow was.

“They taught us to work with gravity. Men fight with strength and woman with their brain. I can never beat you in strength, so neither can Natalia. But I can beat you in a fight,” I said, “We use your own body against you. We look and see your weakness and benefit from that. Learn to look,” I said. Bucky hunched a little and started to run towards me. We fought for hours, just like we used to do. I loved it. I loved losing my anger. I loved how strong Bucky was. He didn’t step back from anything I did. He loved it just as much as I did. It was like old days, I didn’t want it to stop. I ended up on my back, with Bucky’s face just above mine. I could feel his heat beaming off his body. His hair had fallen out of his bun and his face was shiny with sweat.

“You still got it,” he said softly. I pushed his hair behind his ear and smiled.

“You’re not so bad yourself either,” I chuckled. My eyes moved towards his silver arm. I had always loved it. I slowly led my hand over his shoulder, towards his arm.

“Can I have your gun now?” he asked. The plates felt incredibly smooth under my fingers. They’d always took good care of his arm, not him. They couldn’t care less how he looked, as long as his arm was perfect.

“You can go fuck yourself,” I smiled. I turned my eyes towards his. Since he came back, I kept seeing his blue eyes in my dreams. I let my hand fall off his arm and sighed. My body was tired and I was in a terrible need of a cold shower.

“We need to go back upstairs,” I said. Bucky nodded, but didn’t move a muscle. His blue eyes looked down, scanning my face.

“Thank you for doing this, all of this,” he said. I could feel his warm breath tickle my cheeks. I placed my hands against Bucky's shoulders and pushed him on his back. I sat down on his waist and smiled.

“I would do anything for you, except giving you my gun,” I said. Bucky placed his hand behind my back and got up in a sitting position. I got another hair tie from my wrist and started to comb through his dark hair with my fingers.

“Irina,” Bucky said softly, “I couldn’t do this without you,” he said. I tied his hair in a bun and nodded. I tried to brush the man's hair flat. His hair always got a bit curly when he was sweating.

“It’s almost like years back. The only difference is that you talk now and you don’t leave right away. I like this more, I like this person more,” I said. I could feel the cool fingers of Bucky’s left hand brush over my lower back.

“I wasn’t allowed to talk… I didn’t want to talk. I like this more too. I learned more. I learned to look and I know that your left ankle is weaker,” Bucky smiled. I frowned and pouted my lips.

“Enjoy looking at my body, pervert?” I chuckled. The man laughed and nodded.

“I actually do,” he laughed. I chuckled and placed my hands around his cheeks. His face was still red and even his beard felt wet. I could feel his blue eyes searching for eye contact. He was such a different person from five years ago. He turned human. I could feel how he rested his forehead against mine.

“I’m going to keep you safe,” he said softly. His lips brushed against my skin while he spoke. It created goose bumps on my body. Girls from the red room weren’t allowed to get in romantic relationships, the female body was a weapon to seduce ignorant people. But I didn’t agree with them. I did believe that the female body had value, that a kiss had value, if shared with the right person. Bucky turned his face slightly, pressing his lips slowly against mine. I had never had a kiss before that was out of love. I had never made the time to get to know someone, boy or girl. I’ve had my fair share of both, but non of them could come close to a kiss of love, this proved it. Bucky pressed me closer towards him, my chest against his. I had parted my lips, to be able to taste the man. My hands lowered themselves to his chest, to be able to feel his heart beat against my palm. Minutes went by, what felt like seconds. Bucky slowly released my lips, leaning his forehead against mine.

“This is fucked up,” I panted. Bucky kept his eyes close, enjoying the moment for a few seconds longer.

“We were screwed up the minute they put eyes on us. I just know that I want you, I want you with all of my fucked up, piece of shit heart,” the man answered. He opened his eyes, bright blue staring right in my green. A smile started to appear on my face. Bucky and I were messed up, we shouldn’t be allowed to love. But the sinful things felt the best.

“I want you too,” I said.


	4. Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really happy about this, but i just couldn't write Irina more angry/sad/what she is feeling? I tried my best and yeah. Hope you will enjoy it and will feel the anger i tried to write c:

It happened a lot that he would be gone for weeks. They never told me where he was or what he did. One time, I thought he died. He was gone for two years and everybody acted like he never existed. Whenever he would return, he would be more distance. He acted like it was the first time he saw me, wanting to know my name and specialties. I never thought too much of it, thinking that he just wasn’t good at faces.  
Bucky had been gone for over a week and a half. It was like he never was here, there was no sign of him. I tried to search for him, walking with the dog of the neighbors through central park. I even looked in ally ways and other places where homeless people would sleep. He was nowhere to be seen. I was worried that they had captured him again. The idea of him being back at Hydra made me sick. He had just gone out, he deserved to be free for a while. I had just come back from the gym, hoping to open the door, seeing Bucky in the kitchen. But it was empty. I put my bag on the kitchen table and opened the fridge door to get my smoothie. I started to lose hope. He would have contacted me if he was alive. I took a sip from my drink and leaned back against the counter. Bucky had given me hope to break free from America, but that hope started to die. I had to find my own way to escape. I had finished the drink and put the empty glass in the sink.

“Stupid asshole got himself captured,” I cursed softly, while I started to undress. Right at the moment that I wanted to take off my sports bra, I heard a soft knock at the door. I held my breath for a few seconds, concentrating on the sounds at the door. There were several men at the door, I could hear them shifting around. I walked on my toes towards the kitchen table, to grab my gun. There was another knock.

“Irina, open up. It’s me,” I heard Bucky's voice. The big knot in my stomach disappeared right away. Bucky was at the door, he was alive. But there were others with him and I had no idea if they were to be trusted. With the chain on, I opened the door. My gun ready to shoot if necessary. Bucky was standing in front of the door, with two men behind him. One was white and had the typical American looks on him. The other one was African American and just as buff as the other two men.

“Put your gun down, they are on our side,” Bucky mumbled. My eyes kept scanning the two men behind Bucky. I knew them, their faces were familiar.

“Who are they and why are they with you?” I asked with a stern voice. Bucky sighed, annoyed. He looked behind him and pointed towards the blond man.

“Steve Rogers also known as Captain America, he’s my friend. And this is Sam Wilson, he’s good,” Bucky said. The knot came back right away. The definition of America was standing on my doorstep and I was not okay with letting him and his little friend in. I started to get angry. Bucky had left me for a week and a half, without letting her know anything and now he had found others to help him. Bucky and I didn’t need them. We would be okay, together.

“Damn it Irina, let us in. I need to eat something. I got stuck and they found me, they helped me. Please Irina…things have changed, let us in and I’ll explain everything,” Bucky said. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to share him. But I found myself closing the door, to get the chain off. I opened the door and lowered my gun, letting the three men in.

“I don’t trust them,” I said. Bucky stumbled around me, to get to the fridge. Sam closed the door behind him and put the chain back on. I turned around, to see Bucky searching for some food. Within seconds he had found some left-overs from yesterday.

“Why are you back?” I asked. Bucky pulled the lid off and grabbed a fork, so he could start eating.

“I promised that I would return,” The man said, with his mouth stuffed. I looked down at Bucky, he was still wearing the clothes in which he had left. He was incredibly dirty and his beard had grown quite a bit.

“Why are you back with them?” I asked, while I looked behind me. The two men were standing next to the dinner table. Both their eyes fixated on my gun. I noticed how I got a tighter grip on my weapon. Bucky pulled back a chair and sat down, so he could eat easier.

“They saved me. I got stuck in a machine and Sam found me. He brought Steve to me and they saved me. Irina, you need to trust me. They are on our side,” Bucky said. He looked up at Steve, who smiled.

“Bucky, he works for them. He could be a double agent. Before you know there will be thousands of cops kicking in that door!” I said. Bucky got up form his chair and walked towards me. He looked extremely tired. His eyes had lost his glow and he had huge bags under them. The man closed his hands around my cheeks. I could feel the dirt from his hand stick to my skin.

“Irina, I need you to trust me. I trust you too, they trust you too. They are not with the government anymore. They fight for what they stand for, against the bullies. They are with us. It’s safe,” He said. I didn’t want to trust them, there was no need for me to trust them. It hurt me that he had found others to help him. I placed the gun on the counter and closed my hand around his wrist.

“I trust you, not them. But I will lower my guard for now,” I said softly. Bucky showed a quick smile and pressed a kiss against my forehead. His lips were chapped, but comfortingly warm. He let my cheeks go and stepped back to the chair. My eyes moved towards the two men who awkwardly looked at their feet. There was a weird atmosphere in the apartment. The same atmosphere as when you put people together who didn’t like each other.

“So…Irina was it, right?” Steve said. He pulled the chair from under the table and sat down next to Bucky, who was still eating. I pulled myself on to the counter.

“No, I’m Erin. They changed my name to a more American name. Bucky is the only one who keeps calling me Irina,” I said, without any emotion in my voice. I didn’t want any small talk with Steve, or Sam. She wanted them to leave.

“O…well, what do you want to be called?” Steve asked. I looked up at the blond man with an angry look. It didn’t matter how I looked at him, he kept his face friendly. It annoyed me that he thought it would be okay for him to be here. I chuckled in disbelief and jumped off the counter. Bucky had made a mistake. I walked out of the kitchen, towards my bedroom. The men started to talk with each other, as soon as I slammed the door behind me. I was angry, disappointed and extremely angry. He left with the idea to look in his arm and came back with the two most American people.

“Irina,”. The door opened and Bucky stepped inside. He closed the door behind him and walked towards me, with open arms.

“How can I convince you that they are on our side?” Bucky asked. He wanted to wrap his strong arms around my waist, but I slapped his hands away before he could touch me.

“Don’t you fucking dare. You were the one that kept telling me that we were a team. You and I, we were a fucking team. And you left, without me. Something that I didn’t agree on too. And to top it off you brought captain fucking America and his little help to my house!? What the hell were you thinking?!” I hissed. Bucky sighed and turned his eyes towards the ground.

“You might have hit your head and got your memory’s back, but that doesn’t mean that you can betray me like this,” I said. Bucky hunched down, so he could sit on the side of the bed. His light eyes looked helpless towards me.

“Things are not what they used to be, Irina. Steve and Sam fight for what is important for them, they fight the bad guys. At this moment it’s S.H.I.E.L.D. for who you work. They have a manhunt for me and Steve isn’t going to participate with them. They are not with them anymore. S.H.I.E.L.D. is hunting me, Steve and Sam down. What can they do to earn your trust?” Bucky asked. His voice was low and calming, it made me calm down a bit. I looked away from the man and picked up the brush from my salon table, to slowly brush my blond hair.

“Well, they could leave and never come back,” I mumbled. I had promised myself to Bucky, I would help him. Steve and Sam were doing the same thing, if what Bucky says is true.

“I can’t force you to trust them and I’m not even going to try. But I want you to know that Steve is important to me, just like you are important for me. At this moment we are three people against the world and we need your help, I need your help,” Bucky said. I put my brush down and sighed.

“If they ever get in danger I will do nothing to save their sorry asses. I’m here for you, I don’t give a living fuck about them,” I mumbled. I could hear that Bucky got up and walked towards me.

“That is okay, as long as if have your word that a bullet in their back doesn’t come from you,” He said, while walking towards me. Bucky wrapped his arms around my back and pressed me close towards him.

“I will explain how all of this happened okay? Tonight, in bed. Now I really need a shower and more food, I’m exhausted. And I’m sorry,” He said. He pressed his lips against my forehead. I placed my hands against his chest and closed my eyes.

“You owe me so much. And I’m not promising that a bullet will come from me,” I said. Bucky chuckled slowly and nodded.

“Okay, you win. At least make it look like the bullet comes from the other guys,” Bucky said. I opened my eyes and laughed. Bucky leaned his forehead against mine and pressed a few small kisses on my mouth.

“I’m going to jump in the shower, can you please cook something for us? I think they are really hungry too. And please put on some clothes, you look amazing but I don’t want them seeing more of you like this,” Bucky said. He kissed me again, before releasing me.

“Fine, just make it a quick one. I’m not in the mood for small talk with captain America,” I said.  Bucky nodded and walked past me, towards the bathroom.


	5. The plan

They always told us girls that we could not trust anybody. The only person we could rely on was ourselves. They told us that nobody wanted to help, so we needed to learn how to help ourselves. It was a game of the elderly to whisper in our ear that another girl wanted to kill us. They made us fight each other for their game. We didn’t have any friends, we were alone.

Both Steve and Sam were sitting in the living room. They whispered softly to each other, while I was making some quick pasta. I had never learned how to properly cook, so I used to improvise until something tasteful would appear. Today was a day that I didn’t mind if it ended up poorly, I did not feel like trying my best for America’s dog and his toy. I heard how the shower stopped and not long after that, Bucky appeared from the bedroom. His hair was still dripping and made wet spots on his white tank top. The three man communicated a few words and walked towards the kitchen after that.

“Erin, I wanted to…- “, “No,” I interrupted Steve. I could feel his eyes on my back. He was going to thank me; I knew how polite he was. I did not feel like being polite.

“Just eat your dinner and leave as soon as possible,” I said. The paste was ready, so I took four plates and placed them on the table. When it was just Bucky and I, I would prepare the plates on the counter, but with three man that eat more than a young elephant, that would be impossible. Bucky pulled the chair next to him from under the table, as a sign for me to sit down. I did not feel like sitting with these people today.

“Irina, sit down,”. Bucky grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer. I looked down at the man and raised my eyebrows.

“We need to discus our next step, we need you,” He said. I couldn’t deny that it hurt what he said. The naïve little girl in me hoped that he would say something like; ‘I want some time with you after I disappeared for a long time like a goddamn asshole’. But he wanted to talk about work. I showed a smile and pulled my wrist back.

“Really? I’m finally good enough to be in your super secret boy club? Jolly, I’m so exited. Let’s hear it, what’s next. Me here acting like a good American housewife making your dinner while you, bad boys go bully the bullies? Good plan, nice conversation. Enjoy your dinner,” I said sarcastically. I gave him a final death stare, before walking towards the bedroom. Of course it was stupid of me to think that he would not talk about work for a second, he was 24/7 in his work, I was just something extra. I threw my dirty sport clothes in the corner and walked naked in the bathroom. My skin still felt sticky from all the sweat and I needed some relief from the shower. I turned the temperature up, so steam started to appear. Warm water forced me to clear my head. I heard the door open, while I was washing my body.

“I’m getting real sick of your foul mouth, you know,” Bucky said. I turned around to open the shower curtain. He was leaning against the wall, with his arms crossed before his chest. I didn’t care that Bucky saw me naked right now, I knew that he didn’t care. The human body wasn’t a thing that we felt like being secret about.

“Well, as soon as you stop acting like a jerk I will act like America’s sweetheart in the kitchen. That’s what you like, don’t you?” I said. I washed the soap from my body and turned the water off. Bucky stepped away from the wall, to get a towel from the closet.

“We need information and weapons. We need you to steal it from S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve, Sam and I can’t get close, so you need to do it. Some files, guns and whatever you can get your hands on. It’s getting dangerous, so after this you need to run as well. We can’t come back here,” Bucky said. I took the towel and wrapped it around my body. It excited me that there was finally some action. My life was put on hold for a long time, with every now and then an assassination that the Americans didn’t want to do, but never something like this. I brushed through my hair and leaned with my butt against the sink.

“I’ll do everything. And to be honest, I can’t wait to finally kick some American ass over there. Some of those men deserve a sucker punch,” I said. Bucky smiled and stepped closer towards me. He closed his hands around my face and pressed his warm lips against my forehead.

“You do know that it’s getting worse from now on, right? I can’t promise your safety,” He whispered. I looked up at Bucky and showed him a smile.

“I’m already daydreaming about kicking their asses. Don’t ruin it right now,” I said. Bucky chuckled and nodded. He kissed me again, but this time on the lips. We stayed in the bathroom for a little longer, just standing there, with each other. We didn’t speak, but it was nice to have a moment for ourselves. After that, we went back to the others. Steve and Sam had done the dishes and had put everything away. Now both of them sat on the ground, around the living room table. The small table was covered with papers and blueprints.

“Okay, let’s have some fun,” I mumbled, while I sat down next to Steve. It felt great to finally plan out a new mission, I loved to do it when I was with Hydra. It felt like I was in control and that was amazing. And even though I didn’t like Steve, he had great ideas. Together they had an amazing plan. Tomorrow would be the day to fight back against the country that took me as a prisoner. It was hard to fall asleep that night. Even with Bucky, snoring softly next to me, it took me hours to find my sleep.  
There was a strange atmosphere the next morning. Steve and Sam were cleaning their guns and Bucky stayed strangely closed to me. He acted like my shadow.

“Why are you wearing that? I don’t like that,” Bucky said, while I was dressing myself after breakfast. I had pulled a blue V-neck shirt from the closet with a black stretchy skinny jeans. It was something in which I could fight easily and the fact that it showed my body was a nice extra.

“I’m wearing it anyways so you can close your eyes,” I said, while turning in front of the mirror. Bucky stepped towards me and lifted the neck of my shirt, so my breast would be more covered.

“Oh please grandpa. I need to seduce some men; you think I can get in the rooms I need to be with fighting. I have flirted with those men for years, now it can finally be used,” I said, while pulling my shirt down. Bucky mumbled some Russian curse words.

“If you are sweet you can have some later,” I winked, laughing. Bucky wasn’t happy with how I looked, I could see it in his eyes that he didn’t like the looks of Sam and Steve when I walked into the room. He didn’t like the idea of his girl flirting with others just to get information. But it was my main weapon, and I would use every little piece of my body to get what I wanted, when I wanted.

Steve and Bucky stayed in the apartment. They would get rid of important stuff and pack some things that would be useful for the mission, while Sam and I left to work. Sam would wait for me in the ally for when I needed to get away fast. Bucky was the one that wanted to steal a motor and help me, he was angry when Sam, Steve and I agreed that that would be a stupid idea.

With the biggest smile ever, I walked inside the S.H.I.E.L.D. office. I was ready to finally fight back against my enemy, against the monster that tried to tame me for years. I did not fight for Hydra, I did not fight for America. I am going to fight for me and everything that is important to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be action soon! :D


	6. Betray

Hydra was extremely strict, but we did have fun every now and than. They gave us little time to talk to each other, every now and then. The girls and I used to fantasize about a different life, about our parents, brothers or sisters. I loved to talk and listen to the others, to laugh. It made being locked up more easy.

Today was the first day that I walked in my office with a smile. I hated to come here and work on weapons for the Americans. But the idea of betraying them made every single fucking day worth it. I sat down at my desk and pulled a backpack from under it, that I kept there for if I ever needed it. My office wasn’t very big, because I barely used it. It was about four by four meters, with a big steel desk and an old computer. On my left were a few file cabins with designs for bombs, weapons and other important stuff. There wasn’t much more, I didn’t need more. I got up from the chair and walked towards the most left file cabin. I wasn’t going to take all the files, but there were projects that I was working on that I didn’t want to leave behind. America was able to do a lot of damage with the things that I wanted to create, the world didn’t deserve that…yet. I had found the files within a few minutes, so I was able to go on to the next room. The smile on my face never left, even when I was walking with my backpack on my back and heard the voice that I dreaded to hear. I stopped walking and turned around, to look at the source of the noise. Clark, a tall and dark man with impressive light brown eyes, leaned against my closed office door.

“Moving out, Erin?” he smiled. Clark was the first one to ask me on a date, he also became an example for other man to not ask the same question. 

“No I decided to betray America today, by stealing everything that I worked on,” I smiled. Clark lost his charming smile for a few seconds, after which he started to laugh loudly. 

“Of course you are. I’d love to help you…with whatever you are doing, looks quite heavy to me,” Clark chuckled. I didn’t like Clark. He thought he was this amazing man, only because he saved the presidents stupid ass once. Clark acted like he was the big boss, what made me hate him even more. The man stepped closer and slipped his hands in his pockets. 

“If I need help lifting heavy stuff I’ll ask the lady down the hall, thank you for the idea Mark, such a bright man,” I smiled. I turned around and started to walk away. 

“It’s Clark!”. I was going to miss the stupid idiots that worked here. But I was sure as hell going to love thinking of their faces when they discover what happened right under their noses. I took the elevator to the third floor, there where more documents I wanted. S.H.I.E.L.D. had a lot of documents about me, about Bucky. I wanted those things back. I pulled my shirt down and brushed with my hands through my hair. Everybody knew that I wasn’t supposed to go on this floor, but that wasn’t going to stop me. The doors opened and I stepped outside. I tried to come here a couple of times, just to flirt with the guard. I never tried to come in, he needed to trust me so I could go in without any trouble. 

“Erin!” Jackson smiled. He got up from his chair and raised his arm, as a sign that he wanted a hug. Jackson was the only one in this building that survived a hug from me. He was a nice man,   
with a good heart. I would consider him a friend, if he wasn’t an American. 

“Hey Jack, good to see that you are working today,” I smiled. I answered his hug by wrapping my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. Bucky would have killed Jackson if he saw this. He would never allow this. 

“What are you up to today?” Jackson asked. He sat down in his chair and looked up at me. I leaned against the wall and shrugged my shoulders. 

“Just escaping from Clark. That fuckhead was creeping around my office again,” I said. Jackson raised his eyebrows and nodded. He started to play with his keys and looked down at his feet. His blond hair fell in front of his blue eyes, what gave him an innocent look. It made me almost feel sorry for what I was going to pull on him. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to have a drink after work, I…eh…you know. I’m never going to get out of here, so I can better have fun while I’m here, right?” I asked. Jackson looked up in surprise and got up from his chair. He showed me his beautiful smile and started to nod. 

“Yeah! I know this amazing place just around the block. I can pick you up when my shift is over,” he smiled. I stepped closer while Jackson kept talking about this restaurant where we would never go. His voice dried out when I placed my hands against his cheeks, seeking for eye contact. 

“You are honestly the only one here that I don’t wish to be devoured by the devil himself,” I smiled. Jackson chuckled, his eyes slowly looking down at my lips. 

“It does makes this way harder than I thought it would be,” I whispered slowly, before pressing a soft kiss against his lips. I saw confusion creeping up his face, but before he started to realize what was going on, he was too late. I dropped my right hand and with all my force I slammed Jackson his face against the concrete wall. I could hear bones crushing, at the same time that a soft whimper escaped his lips. His body fell down with a soft sound. 

“O Jackson, you have no idea how much I would have loved this if you were Clark,” I mumbled. I got down on the ground and took the key from his belt. Before I got up, I pushed Jackson under his desk, so people didn’t see him from the elevator. I ran towards the door and opened it with the key. S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn’t very careful with the files about his people, I was able to find my documents and those from Steve and Bucky in ten minutes. A spy from Russia was able to find the preciouses documents of Captain America himself, without much of a fight. I stuffed the documents in the bag and ran out of the room. Jackson was still unconscious; he would probably be out of it for a little longer. It did hurt a little to see Jackson like this. He was the only one that I liked a little here, so he didn’t deserve this… but I didn’t deserve this either. I ran down the corridor, to the staircase this time. With two steps at the time, I ran down the second floor again. The only thing that I needed was weapons, after that I was able to leave this hellhole and never return. I could taste freedom and I was not going to let anything get in the way of me. My life with Bucky was waiting and S.H.I.E.L.D. was not going to stand in between that. I reached the second floor and ran through the corridor, to my lab. I pressed in the code, that was made so that only a few people could enter. I pushed open the sound cancelling doors and stepped in. The lab was normally empty, except from the big table that I had full of crap to build and try out my new weapons. But today it wasn’t empty. Clark was sitting on the steel table, with a gun in his hands, pointing towards me. This was the time that my smile disappeared. I closed the door behind me and raised my eyebrows.

“What the fuck are you doing,” I asked. Clark jumped of the table and walked towards me, one hand in his pocket and the other around the gun he was holding. He enjoyed this moments, I could see it in his eyes. 

“I saw you and Jackson, I’m not stupid you know,” he said. I raised my eyebrows and placed my hands against my hips. 

“O really? I would find pointing a gun at my face pretty stupid. So you better lower that thing before I am going to let you have a taste of you own balls,” I smiled. Clark pushed the could metal of the gun against my forehead and chuckled softly. 

“Too bad, I would have loved to take you out to a restaurant. Now I have to protect this country against Russian filth,” he mumbled. I started to laugh. 

“I think I rather die, be a big man, pull the trigger,” I said. Clark was a good agent, but his emotions got the better hand on him. He followed his anger, and it was way to easy too trigger that. I saw how Clark’s eyes filled with anger and frustration. 

“Stupid Russian bit…-“ while Clark was spitting out his curse words, I turned my face away and gripped Clark his wrist. With my right hand I pushed the palm of my hand against Clark his nose. I could feel warm blood dripping on my cold skin. The man started to curse more, but I had no time to listen to his. He swinged his fist towards my face, that missed me by a few centimeters. Clark fired the gun, but it pointed towards the ground. The loud sound made my ears buzz for a few seconds, but it didn’t made me lose my concentration. Clark swinged his fist again, but stopped mid air when I buried my foot between his legs. I could feel him lose grip on his gun, what gave me a change to snatch it away. Clark fell on his needs, his hands around his crotch. My smile came back, with even more power than a few minutes before. I dreamed about killing these stupid bastards…and now I had my chance. 

“Does your balls taste good, Mark?” I smiled. Clark looked up with tears in his eyes, he was not sad but filled with rage and pain. 

“You have no fucking idea how much this pleases me,” I said, before pulling the trigger. I looked how anger and pain left Clark his eyes, how his expression changed to nothing while he was falling on his back. 

“Say hi to the devil for me,” I smiled. I walked over Clark his dead body, to the storage. Seeing my guns, bombs and other weapons all lined up, ready to be used, made me truly happy. It made the butterflies in my stomach alive. I stuffed my backpack full with guns and took the belt, with small bombs attached to it. 

“It’s just like Christmas,” I smiled. I turned around and started to walk back towards the door. Before opening the door, I looked back at Clark. A large puddle of blood had formed around his head, soaking his black hair with his own blood. He would have survived it, if he would have walked away. Even though it was my dream to fill this god forsaken place with the blood of the bastards that work here, it was not my mission. I needed to get out and not draw attention. With the backpack secured to my back and the belt full with little bombs around my waist, I walked back to the staircase. I started to run down the stairs, when I heard men talking trough walky-talkies. I froze and hunched a little, to make myself smaller. 

“Erin is not on the third anymore, we are going to clear out the second. Stay by the entrance, she’s trying to escape,”. I heard a man talk in the walky-talkie. Clark told the others what he had seen. They knew what I was up to. I growled softly and started to walk again. At this moment I had no idea what to do, the doors were guarded and I would not survive it if I started an open fire in the entrance hall. I pushed the door open en walked towards the back of the building. 

“Erin!” I heard someone scream. I looked back and saw two man in suits, with a gun in the air in the corridor. Before they could fire their guns, I ran in a next corridor, straight towards the window that was located by the ally were Sam was waiting. While I was running I pulled my gun from my pants and pointed it towards the glass. Before jumping, I fired a bullet, creating a shower of glass while I jumped through the broken window. I rolled through the ally and tried to get up as fast as I could. 

“Come on!” Sam screamed. I got up from the dirty ground and ran as fast as I could towards the stolen motor. Sam started and as soon as I had wrapped my arms around his waist, he drove off. I could hear the two men firing bullets from the corridor, but we were to far away. 

“Are you okay?” Sam screamed. I stayed silence for a few seconds, trying to calm my body and catch my breath. It was a long time ago that I had –had so much action. I had missed it a lot. 

“Fuck yes! I’ve never been better!” I screamed back. Sam gave a quick glance over his shoulder, showing me a forced smile. 

“Good, because Bucky would rip out my lungs if I would have anything happen to you,”


	7. The ant-man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoohoo new characters c:

From a young age, they learned us how to disappear. They showed us how ignorant people were and how easy it was to use their own stupidity against themselves. They send us in the field many times, without giving us a clue on how to escape. It thought us to use the surroundings and blend in. Nobody would thing that the shoplifter would act like a normal teen, window shopping, right after they stole something. We would use the stereotype that society had made and use it against themselves. 

I had wrapped my arms securely around Sam his waist. The feelings that were going through my body were indescribable. For the first time in my life I felt free, there was nobody going to tell what I needed to do, or what my next mission was. The Americans didn’t own me anymore. Sam took a turn and drove in the ally of my apartment, where Bucky and Steve were sitting in a stolen jeep. Butterflies started to fly around in my belly when I jumped off the motor and ran towards the car. From all the mission I had ever done, this was the one I loved the most. I did the other missions in automatic pilot but I did this with feelings. Bucky pushed the car door open and almost pulled me inside. I felt his hands roaming my body, searching if everything was still in place. 

“Go, go!” Sam yelled, when he sat down next to Steve in the front seat. Steve looked back and drove in reverse, out of the ally. 

“How did it go?” Bucky asked. I saw how his blue eyes were scanning my body, still checking if everything was alright. His jaw clenched when he saw drops of blood on my shirt. 

“Relax, I only killed one. And this is not even his blood. I hit someone unconscious, his blood came on me,” I said, while pushing Bucky’s arms away. I had a lot of weapons on my body right now and that made sitting uncomfortable. The man helped me with the backpack and carefully placed it next to the other weapons that I had stolen. 

“Why did you need to kill? That wasn’t necessary,” Steve yelled, from the front. I could see his stern look from the rear view mirror. The happy feeling that still was going through my body was killed by America’s puppy. 

“Excuse me, were you there? No I don’t think so; I didn’t smell red, blue and stars. He tried to kill me, you heel licking piece of…-“ “Irina, enough,”.  
I clenched my jaw and turned around to Bucky, who was shaking his head. I hated Steve. I could not stand his golden boy behavior. The only reason that he didn’t had a bullet between his pretty blue eyes, was because of Bucky. Steve and Bucky had a special connection and I respected that. Nobody spoke for the rest of the ride. The adrenaline from the mission was gone and now there was only a tense atmosphere. We drove for about an hour, before Steve parked the car. 

“We are walking the rest of the way,” Steve mumbled, before stepping out of the vehicle. The blond man had left me confused. We were parked next to a school, in a normal neighborhood. I knew that Sam had a save place to go, but this was not what I expected. 

“How the hell are we supposed to walk around with these weapons?” I asked. Bucky was already outside the car, with the backpack on his back. I took the belt and clicked it around my waist. 

“Here, use this,” Sam said. He opened my door and gave me the jacket that he was wearing. I stepped outside and took the black jacket from him. It bugged me that I had no idea what was going on. Nobody had told me where we were going or what the next step was. Something told me that not even the others knew what exactly we were going to do. We walked for half an hour before we stopped by an old looking house. I had three levels and a deep dark color. Sam walked to the door and knocked four times. 

“What is going on Buck, why are we here?” I asked. Bucky stepped closer towards me. He looked down on me before he started to talk.

“Sam knows this man, one that…can shrink…as he said,”. From the way Bucky said it I could here that he found it strange. A shrinking man…the Americans didn’t know when to stop trying their weird experiments. Bucky stepped away, so I was able to see how Sam was talking to a short man. He had brown hair and a sweet face, he could be your friendly neighbor. 

“Wow, leader of the Avengers! Come in, tea is ready,” the man smiled. He stepped aside, so Sam could walk in. Before Steve could follow him, the man shook his hand a little to eager. 

“Thank you for helping us Scott. This is Bucky my friend and the girl is Irina,” Steve said, with a perfect white smile on his face. I saw why America was in love with this man. He could sell sand to man living in the dessert with that smile. 

“Hey guys! I’m Scott!” the short man said enthusiastic. I narrowed my eyes, so I could scan his body. He didn’t seem like a big threat. Scott had some muscles, but he sure as hell did not look like someone who fought on a daily basis. I could not see what made him special. I walked closer to him, my eyes still scanning every little detail on him. 

“Irina right? Cute name,” he smiled innocent. I frowned and walked passed him, not giving him any more attention. The hallway that I stepped in very narrow, with a lot of doors. Steve stepped through the second door, in the living room. There were two persons standing there that I didn’t know. One elderly man with glasses and face that could make someone instantly calm. Standing next to him was a girl with short and dark hair. She had a stern look and looked like she could kill someone by just looking at them. She was the complete opposite of Scott. I liked her, she looked like the girls back home in Russia. 

“Okay! Everybody, this is Hope and doctor Hank Pym. He made the suit you know,”. Scott closed the living room door and stepped in the middle of the room. I could see how he kept glancing at Steve. 

“And this is Sam, Steve and his friends Bucky and Irina,” Scott said. I looked around me, while the others started to talk. The inside was just as old as the outside. The walls were dark, just as the furniture. There was a small layer of dust on some of the cabinets. 

“Irina, come,”. I felt how Bucky grabbed my arm. The others moved from the living room to the kitchen, were they sat down around a big dinner table. It disgusted me to see how small ants ran away from me, when I walked behind Bucky. This house was dirty and I did not feel comfortable to stay in here. I have stayed at some dirty places, but it still was a thing that I wasn’t comfortable with. The others were already talking about what happened, while I sat down next to Bucky. Scott walked around the table, to make sure that everybody had a cup of tea. The man reminded me of a young puppy that saw his first stuffed animal, when he was next to Steve. He was way to exited. I was just about to take my cup, to take a sip, when I saw to ants walking across the table with a sugar cube between them. It took me a few seconds to process what was happening in front of me. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why are there fucking ants moving the sugar?” I asked. Scott and doctor Pym started to laugh right away. Even Sam and Steve started to chuckle a little, as if I missed a good joke. 

“Have they ever told you about the Ant-man?” Scott asked. He sat down next to Holly, with an amused look in his eyes.

“I don’t think I even want to know about ant-man, if it involves fucking ants moving food around I pass,” I mumbled. Bucky placed his metal hand on my upper leg. I felt how he pinched me softly. 

“It’s not just letting ants do things. The ant-man is a suit that can shrink a person and that together with the ability to communicate with ants, it makes it a… unbeatable thing,” Steve said. Scott his eyes got even bigger when Steve explained what the Ant-man was. I looked down again at the ants, that were now creeping through the small cracks in the table. The concept of the Ant-man did sound amazing. A person that could be as small as an ant, would be able to pass through all kinds of guarded places. Steve leaned a little over the table, so he would be a little closer. 

“So show a little respect,” Steve said. I frowned and crossed my arms before my chest. 

“The day that I will show respect for ants is the day that I will respect you,” I smiled. Steve kept looking at me for a few seconds, until doctor Pym started to talk again. Steve turned his head away, just before letting out a sigh. 

“You are able to stay here for a while, but I do think that we need to make a tight plan soon,” the doctor said. He took his cup and take a huge sip, before standing up. 

“We should make a plan for if they bust our asses. We stole from the government, I’m a assassin who they wanted to keep tight. If they use even a little brain, they will connect the dots that I teamed up with Captain Anty and Buck. We need to watch our backs,” I said. There fell a short silence in the group. I felt how Bucky raised his hand higher on my leg. 

“I don’t think that will be a problem, I can get you out of this house within seconds,” doctor Pym smiled. He looked at Holly, who showed the people around the table a smirk. 

“We have an escape plan already; I have to change it a little for this amount of people. But I think it will be ready before dinner. So relax a little, I’ve noticed that you had a rough day already. You can unwind downstairs, there will be enough for you to kick,” Holly smiled. She got up from her chair and straightened her shirt with her hands. 

“Scott will show you,” she said, before walking away from the table. The idea of letting out some frustration through sparring with Bucky felt good. He was the only one that was match for me, I could give everything and not hold back. 

“Come on doll, let’s make sure that you can blow off some steam,” Bucky said. He got up from his chair and held out his hand, for me to take. 

“Call me a doll again and I will make you taste your balls,” I mumbled. He pulled me out of the chair, so we could follow Scott downstairs to the basement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter there will be more about Buckyyy


	8. Bucky's struggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo more Bucky development!!!

All the girls used to have nightmares. We slept in a big room, with 30 girls in total. It would be rare if we didn’t wake up to someone screaming at least twice. Nobody talked about it, it was one of the only taboos. Nobody wanted to talk about what made them scared, it was a weakness. I had a lot of bad dreams. I dreamed a lot about awful shadow creatures trying to grab me. They wanted to take me away from my home, from what I knew. Nobody knew my nightmares, and I was planning on keeping it that way. 

If I thought that living in an apartment with Steve was bad, living in a house with the leader of the Captain America fan club and Cap himself was even worse. It made me sick to see how Scott kissed Steve his ass all evening long. It did give me time to get over the escape plan with Holly and share it with the others. Holly was good to be around, she didn’t shit around, just like me. After a big dinner, Bucky and I went upstairs to bed. We shared a room together with a small bathroom. Before Bucky and Steve stole a car, they had packed some clothes and basic stuff for me, so I was able to shower and change clothes. Bucky stepped got into bed right away. The man seemed a little off since we all had dinner, as if something was bugging him. 

“You okay, soldier?” I asked, when I came out of the shower. I had a towel around my body and walked towards the old chair, in which Bucky had put my bag. The room wasn’t very big. It had enough room for an old, wooden canopy bed. It didn’t even have space for a nightstand or a closet. Bucky was lying under the black covers, the sheets pulled up to his nose. I knew that he was still awake, his breathing was slower when he was sleeping.

“Just tired,” I heard his muffled voice. I threw the towel on the chair and got into my underwear, before walking toward the bed. 

“What’s up, you seem so out of it. Aren’t you happy that there is going to be some action? I can’t wait to remodel some faces,” I said. Bucky pushed the sheets away and turned around. He looked at me for a few seconds, before he started to talk. 

“No, I’m done with it. I just want to be done with it. I want time to learn about me, what I am and what I am supposed to do. God couldn’t have put me on this godforsaken earth to slaughter humans,” he said. He took my hand and pulled me on to the bed. I sat down before him. 

“Everybody always talks about what God created, Buck. But nobody talks about the things that the darker forces create. Not everybody is here to do good, to make babies and spread fucking butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes there are people who are here to do the things that need to be done. I am not saying that that is you, but you need to keep it in mind. You might not have realized, but you did get rid of some horrible people that even Hydra didn’t like. So you did some good. You are doing good now, by making your own future,” I said. Bucky raised his hand and pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. 

“You are beautiful, so deadly gorgeous,” he mumbled softly. I smiled again and leaned in, to press my lips against his. I could feel Bucky’s hand on my back, slowly pushing me closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck and started to laugh. 

“I am going to tell you who you are. You are my safe place, you are the person who makes me smile. You are a fighter. You are calm and caring about your friends. You are Captain Sparkle’s best friend and the best fucking fighter that this world knows. You can be whoever you want to be Buck, that’s the beauty of humans. We just need to kill a few Americans and you can be a farmer, or be a teacher, or a dog walker,” I smiled. Bucky pulled against me and lay down again. 

“What is a dog walker?” Bucky asked. I placed my head on his chest and pulled the sheets up to cover ourselves. 

“Someone who gets hired to walk other people’s dog,” I said. Bucky made an approving sound.

“I’d like to walk other’s dogs,” Bucky said softly. I started to nod. 

“That is a nice goal to have,” I smiled. We didn’t talk much after that, we enjoyed each other presence. Bucky’s breath became slower after an hour of silence and a few minutes later he started to snore. It was soothing to hear his snoring. I fell asleep a few minutes after Bucky. I never slept through the whole night, it happened a lot that I would sleep for a few hours, to wake up for an hour and sleep another few hours. This night wasn’t different. I woke up after two hours of deep sleep. I would normally turn around and snuggle up to Buck’s broad chest, but the problem was that Bucky had disappeared. With sleep still in my eyes, I got up from the bed. 

“Buck?” I asked. I placed my hand on Bucky’s spot, to realize that it was cold. He had been out of bed for a while. I stepped out of bed and grabbed a t-shirt, to cover my naked body. If I were in my own apartment, I wouldn’t care about putting on a t-shirt. But I had the feeling that other people in this house wouldn’t appreciate it if I would walk around with panties alone. 

“Where did that idiot go,” I mumbled to myself, as I stepped in the corridor. The house gave off a creepy vibe, now it was dark. Darkness didn’t scare me, but I did feel uneasy walking in this new place full of ants. I tiptoed down the stairs, to check the kitchen. Bucky was nowhere to be seen. I crossed my armes. Bucky never left the bed in the night, even when he had a nightmare he would stay with me. A lot of the time he would wake up from a nightmare and the only way for him to calm down was a breathing exercise. I was just turning around, to walk back upstairs, when I heard a lot of noise coming from the basement. 

“What the fuck is he doing?” I said out of reflex. I opened the door towards the basement and started to curse when I felt how cold air started to claim my body. I walked the wooden stairs to the basement and when I reached the floor, I saw how Bucky was training. My body was shivering and the cold cement made my bare foot numb. 

“Hey, Fuckhead. What are you doing? I missed you in the bed,” I said. A shock went through my body when Bucky turned around. He was sweating like crazy and had big, red, puffy eyes. His hair was all over the place and I saw how he was shaking. 

“Buck, what’s wrong?” I asked. The man snorted and karate kicked a boxing ball. The huge thing flew through the room and crashed in some supplies that we had used a few hours before. 

“Why me?” Bucky asked. I had never heard his voice being so demanding. He turned his face away, still shaking. 

“What do you mean?”. I tried to keep my voice calm, to make sure that Bucky didn’t freak-out or lose control over his emotions. The man snorted again and started to shake his head. 

“I mean why I deserve this. Who did I fuck this bad to deserve this fucking shit. I signed up for a fucking war and I ended up with a whole country hunting my ass down,” Bucky screamed. I crossed my arms again. 

“The only thing I did was serve my country and that same country wants my head now. I’m never going to be able to find out who I am…what I want. The only thing I can do is run and fight. I can’t do fucking shit, and I’m dragging you in it as well!” Bucky continued expressing his anger. I saw how he clenched his jaw and started to breath deeper. 

“Why the fuck am I doing this?” Bucky asked. He turned his face towards me again. He was full of different emotions. I felt bad for him. 

“I should just give up, give everybody a rest,” Bucky sighed. He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. 

“Are you done?” I asked. Bucky frowned and nodded slowly. I let my arms fall next to my body and walked towards the sweating man. 

“Yeah this sucks, but you can’t change it. America is trying to get our asses and we need to hide in a place that has fucking ants…but honestly… this is the happiest I have ever been. We are together, with Sam and Scott and fucking Captain America. You have your friends, and they are going to help you. What happened to you sucks, Bucky. You did not deserve to fall of that train and you did not deserve to be a toy of Hydra. You deserved to come back from the war and marry the gal that you liked. But that didn’t happen. This is the real life and this is the point where you need to give everything. We are going to fight for ourselves and we are going to find a way to free ourselves. I don’t care if I end up in a fucking cabin in Siberia, as long as I’m free. That is why we are doing this, why I am doing this,” I said. I saw how Bucky relaxed his body. He did not shiver anymore and the angry look in his eyes melted. 

“Not all good things happen to good people, Bucky. Shitty things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. That is life and we need to accept it. The only thing we can do is raise our middle finger and fight for what we want,” I continued. Bucky looked down at his feet and grunted. 

“Do you want Steve? I hate his fucking guts but if you need him, I’ll get him,” I said. Bucky started to walk towards me and placed his hands on my face. His blue eyes scanned my face for a few seconds, before showing me an insecure smile. 

“Your foul mouth is so unattractive,” he mumbled. I started to laugh and shook my head. 

“I just need to calm myself down here. Please go upstairs and get some sleep. And if you come across Steve, that would be nice. But please don’t wake him up,” Bucky said. I closed my hands around his wrist and pressed a kiss against his lips. 

“I’ll pull his stupid ass out of bed, don’t worry babe,” I smiled. I really didn’t feel like waking Steve up, but Bucky needed it. He deserved some quality time with his best friend, especially now he was in a dark place. 

“Please don’t,” Bucky said, when I pulled myself away from him. I blew a kiss and walked towards the stairs. 

“Irina, don’t!” Bucky said a little louder. I ignored his request. Bucky needed Steve and it wasn’t much effort to wake the soldier up. Within seconds, I was at Steve and Sam’s room. I opened the door and walked towards the bed, where Steve was sleeping. 

“Steve,” I whispered. I placed my hand on his shoulder, which woke Steve up right away. His blue eyes looked at me with full anger. Before he could start talking, I placed my hand against his mouth. 

“Ssh, come. It’s about Bucky,” I said. Steve frowned but followed me outside the bedroom, so we didn’t disturb Sam. 

“Buck needs you right now. He’s downstairs murdering some boxing balls. I think it’s better if you spend some time with him…he needs to let go of some steam,” I said softly. It did sting me that Steve was the person who was going to help Bucky. I loved Bucky a lot and I wanted to help him in every possible way, but I wasn’t the right person right now to calm him down. Steve looked surprised as well. He smiled for a few seconds and nodded. 

“Yeah, ofcourse. I’ll go down there right away. Thank you for waking me up, I really appreciate that,” Steve smiled. I took a step back and shrugged. 

“Yeah well don’t get used to it. It’s just because Bucky needs you and I want the best for him. Now get your tiny ass downstairs, he’s waiting,” I mumbled. I turned myself around and walked back towards my room. 

“I hope he falls down the stairs,” I mumbled, while closing the door behind me. Bucky needed Steve and Steve needed Buck, I didn’t like that fact but it was the truth. Hydra had told me a lot about Bucky, the Winter Soldier… and the relationship that he had with Steve. They were extremely close and that was growing back again. The fact that I hated Captain Puppy wasn’t going to stand between their strong friendship. I sat down on Bucky’s side of the bed and pulled his pillow against my chest. If I was with Bucky, I got Steve with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a huge eye opener for our sweet Irina...


	9. The truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today we will learn the truth about Irina's past and the reason why Hydra isn't looking for her.

Hydra never told anybody about their past. Some girls came with us when they were just babies, just like me. Other girls joined when they were three of four years old. They kept us young enough so that we weren’t able to remember our families. They did tell us little things. I knew that I was found on the side of the road, dumped like a dog. Hydra told us enough to let you know that you used to be unwanted. Some girls broke down after a few years. They were too weak for Hydra and didn’t deserve to carry the name of spy. Those girls ended up dead. But the girls who were able to move on from the fact that they were unwanted, learned not to attach too much to things or people. If even our parents couldn’t love use, nobody would.   
Planning out our next move was difficult. We were with a lot of people and nobody really told me what exactly was going on. I knew that S.H.I.E.L.D. wanted Bucky, but something told me that there was more going on. Being deep in my thoughts, I started to chew slowly on my fingernail. It was the day after, which meant that everybody was buried deep in the documents that I stole. 

“Is this of any value for what we need to do?” I asked, bored. The things that I had read weren’t new to me, therefore I didn’t feel like reading it again. Steve moved away a file and shrugged. 

“I haven’t found anything yet. I don’t think it will help for a plan right now,” Steve mumbled. He ran his hand through his blond hair and locked his blue eyes with mine. Things did feel different after last night. Steve trusted me more, now that he knew that I really cared for Bucky. Breaking into a government building for Bucky wasn’t enough to prove that. But kicking his stupid ass out of bed was. 

“I think that you need to tell me exactly what is going on. I know that we are protecting Bucky, but there is more. If Bucky is the only thing, then I have a plan. I can have him out of this country within a few days,” I said. I saw out of the corner out of my eye how Sam lowered his documents. His face turned curious towards Steve. 

“You can’t know,” Steve said softly. I frowned and threw the papers that I was holding on the table. 

“Why the fuck not? You are the only asshole who is acting like I’m still America’s biggest traitor!” I yelled. Steve turned his head away and released a big sigh. It made me angry that Steve still kept information from me. I had given everything up I had in America and probably a chance to get back to Hydra, for them. 

“I don’t want to drag you completely in to this. Right now you are able to go back, but once you know everything and commit to it…there is no turning back,” Steve said. I felt how my face had a look of disbelief. Steve shook his head when I got up from my chair and leaned closer towards him. 

“I blew the brains out of one of America’s best agents. That happened right after I stole documents and slammed another agent against the wall. Do you honestly think they will accept a Russian spy, after all of that?” I asked, with a peaceful smile on my face. Bucky placed his hand on my lower back and pulled me back in the chair by my belt. 

“After all the different battles, the government wants to control the ‘super heroes’. They want to be able to send us out for what they want. We can’t use our powers when we want. I want to be in control of what I do,” Steve said softly. He placed the document that he was holding on the table and shrugged. 

“And when I noticed that they were after Bucky…I wasn’t able to do what they wanted,” The man continued. He clenched his jaw and turned his face away. It did bother Steve a lot, I could see how he hated this situation. I closed my mouth and nodded. 

“Sam needs to give his suit back and I’m… I don’t even know what they want to do with me. But now that we didn’t sign, we are in violation. Scott will be forced to sign it…the other avengers…everybody that is special,” Steve finished. He looked up, his eyes clear and determined. It still made me angry, knowing that they kept something this big of a secret behind. It changes everything. I wouldn’t just be fighting for Bucky’s freedom, I would fight for Steve and Sam’s freedom. I would be fighting for something that would be world changing. 

“I seriously don’t get why you wouldn’t share this before. Knowing that you aren’t just a stupid idiot who follows America’s rules without thinking, makes this a lot easier. I think it’s good that you stand for yourself. You are still an asshole for not telling me this I’m giving my life here and I deserve to know everything,” I said calmly. A small smile appeared on Steve his face. He got up from his chair, to walk around the table and grab some new files. 

“To be honest, Irina, we are not really able to talk normally to each other. There wasn’t a moment where I was able to talk about it with you,” he said. I closed my eyes a little and pouted my mouth. 

“Fucking pussy,” I mumbled. Steve chuckled and threw a new file towards me and Bucky, as a sign for us to re-start reading. 

“This might be interesting,” Scott said. The man leaned against a cabin. He must have been to intrigued with what he was reading, too comment on the conversation that just happened. I don’t think that he realised that his name was mention. 

“Well, not for us. But for you it might. God, you really speak six languages?” Scott asked amused. Only then I realized that my files must have been between all the papers. I knew that I had taken it, just like files about Steve and Bucky…but I had forgotten it. 

“Are you reading my file?! That is private!” I yelled. I jumped up from the chair and pulled the files out of Scott’s hands. The man whined for a second, grasping his left hand in his right. 

“Papercut!” he yelled back. I walked towards a corner of the room, to be sure that nobody would be reading from behind me. 

“Grow a pair of balls,” I mumbled, before diving in a file five papers thick about me. I didn’t know what to expect. It was the first time that I had the possibility to learn about me. With every page I turned, I felt my heart drop more and more. It was as if someone stabbed my and twisted it a little more after every sentence. I wasn’t able to read after three pages because of the tears blurring my vision. 

“I’m leaving,” I mumbled, when I felt the eyes of everybody stinging my body. The files were pressed against my belly. Nobody was allowed to read this. I made my way down the basement, where I threw the papers through the room. 

“Fucking cock sucking assholes,”. Rage started to take over my body. It was as if a fire started and I was unable to control it. I had never felt this much aggression in my body and I needed to find a way to release it. It made me sick to my stomach. This was a cruel world; I was a person who made it cruel... but this was a whole other level. I could feel how my limbs started to shake, drugged by all these different emotions. My body would explode if I didn’t release some it. A poor dummy doll, made for fighting, was the one to take my fire. I gave it every kick and punch that I had ever learned, which resulted in the dummy’s head being torn off, together with an arm and the pole that made it stand up. 

“What did it say?”. I had fallen so deep in my rage, that I didn’t hear Bucky come down. The soldier was standing in the doorway, with his arms crossed. 

“Go away,” I said. Bucky walked closer towards me, to pick up the mess that I had made with the doll. I was standing in the middle of the room, panting and sweating. My hands were still trembling with anger, but I was able to control myself now. 

“Scott read it all. I’m giving you the chance now to tell it yourself, otherwise I will force Scott to tell it,” Bucky said calmly. I snorted and crossed my arms. 

“I’m giving you two minutes,” he said. I really didn’t want to share anything about my file. But words started to come as an uncontrollable waterfall. I needed it to get it off my heart, so I wouldn’t explode out of rage. 

“They did not find me on the fucking side of the road. They did not find me. They choose me, they murdered my family Bucky. That file describes not only what I can do, what I have done and what I have learned. It also describes in detail how they murdered my mother and father for me. They don’t collect orphans Buck. They make orphans and act like they are the big hero. They are fucking cunts!” I yelled. Bucky was standing right in front of me. His Icy blue eyes scanned my body, to learn my body language. 

“And when they don’t need them anymore…they trade them. I was not captured by S.H.I.E.L.D. they bought me. America had a spy that Russia wanted and Russia had a weapon specialist that America wanted. They acted like I was captured. They don’t want me back; they are never going to fight for me. I’m done, they don’t need me anymore. They probably already have a new girl who’s way better. I was useless to them, so they got rid of me. They murdered my parents and 22 years later they didn’t even hesitate to trade me. I hated my parents for what they did. I blamed this on them…but it wasn’t their fault. They probably have protected me the best they can. And now I’m here, I’m not with S.H.I.E.L.D., not with Hydra…I’m with nothing,”. The aggression in my voice calmed to a point where it started to break. The tears that I had been holding back came back in my eyes. I couldn’t even remember when the last time was when I cried. It was an emotion that I didn’t like sharing, especially with others. 

“You don’t need to be with anything. Babe, this is Hydra we are talking about. They don’t care about anybody but themselves. Don’t be surprised about this, please. It’s their lost and our win. Don’t give those fuckers any satisfaction, they don’t deserve your tears. Come on, use that anger for later, when we need to kick some asses,” Bucky said. He dropped the pieces of the dummy and stepped closer towards me. I felt how he wrapped his big arms around my body. 

“What would you say if you saw Steve like this?” Bucky asked softly. I pressed my face against his neck. 

“To stop whining like a little bitch. He can’t change anything, so it’s useless to cry about it,” I mumbled. Bucky pressed a kiss against my hair. 

“What they did was terrible, but there are two ways of handling this. You can use this anger to wreck everything here or you can use it against them. Show them that they made a huge mistake by trading you. Kick. Their. Ass,”


	10. Strangers

We didn’t like outsiders. Everybody knew each other; the girls, the trainers and the leaders. We knew who was who and what that person was supposed to do. Nobody liked it when someone new joined the team. There was a hierarchy and that fell as soon as a new girl or a new trainer came. It made us on edge when a lot of new people joined in a short time span. It made me on edge when I met a lot of new people. 

A lot had changed, after I had found my documents. I wasn’t fighting for Hydra anymore; I was fighting for home. It changed my way of thinking and it made me doubt what I was doing. But waking up next to the peaceful face of Bucky made me realize that I was still fighting for home. Bucky was my home and I was fighting for his place in the world. It made my will to fight bigger. I wanted to fight against Hydra and America, I wanted to fight everything and everybody that was standing between an ending that didn’t involve death or imprisonment. Bucky was able to read my mind when he opened his eyes. He stayed silent for a few seconds, before placing his hand on my cheek. 

“Let’s fight the world, babe,” he said. I showed him a smile, before pressing my lips against his. It was Bucky and me against the world, just us. I was enjoying this pure moment of realization, until I heard a knock on the door. I let go off Bucky’s lips, to see as Steve opened the door. I moaned and shook my head. 

“I was hoping to have a good morning, you know,” I mumbled. I turned around and got out of bed. The soldier turned his head away when he noticed that I was only wearing panties. 

“Put on some clothes, I don’t want the others to see you like that,” Bucky said, as I walked into the bathroom. It surprised me that Bucky didn’t care if Steve saw me like this. Bucky freaked out over me wearing a revealing top, but his best friend was allowed to see me without one. I pulled down my panties to jump in the shower. 

“Can I join?” a voice asked, as I was washing my hair. Bucky pushed the shower curtain away, to step next to me. I opened my eyes and grabbed the shampoo bottle again, to wash Bucky’s hair.

“What did the walking flag want?” I asked, while soaping his long, brown hair. I felt as Bucky stepped closer, to press a kiss against my collarbone. 

“Our team is getting bigger; Steve has called in some friends. We are meeting them in a few hours,” Bucky answered. I rinsed out his hair and nodded. It bugged me that there were more people being added on to the team. It was Bucky and me, together against the world. But he had started to add people, and I didn’t like that. It meant that I had to trust more people and that was something that I was not going to do. 

“What did he pick up this time? It can’t be weirder than an ant-man,” I asked. Bucky placed his arms around my waist and pulled me closer towards him. 

“He talked about a really powerful girl who can move thing with her mind and a man who shoots arrows,”.   
I always believed that the girls from the red room and the winter soldier were the weirdest things in this world. Something in me didn’t want to believe that they were creating more powerful people, even though Hydra was working on that as well. It seemed impossible in my head that people were able to do the things that the people did in this house. I was not the freak anymore. 

“Of course, why not? Robin Hood and a fairytale character, sure,” I said. Nothing could surprise me at this point. Bucky and I took our time to shower. Both of us didn’t feel like joining the others. We had more than enough with ourselves. Only after 45 minutes we were ready to join the others. When I walked into the kitchen, I saw a girl with long, brown hair and a man who had a few arrows he was polishing. Steve and Sam were sitting next to them. 

“Good, you are finally downstairs. This is Wanda and he is Clint,” Steve said. I could see in his face that he was annoyed that Bucky and I were late. A sly smile appeared on my face, while I sat down across from Steve. 

“Yeah, we were busy. You know, things all couples do,” I said. Steve rolled his eyes and turned his face away, to hide his blushing cheeks. I enjoyed nothing more than making Steve uncomfortable. Scott walked in with a plate full of pancakes. Bucky sat down next to me and within seconds, everybody had a few pancakes in front of them. 

“So, who was the ‘letting things fly with their mind’ person?” I asked, while my mouth was stuffed with pancake. The girl next to Steve looked up and nodded. She looked like someone who had been through a lot of shit. Her eyes were scarred. I would have thrown a comment towards her, if I didn’t feel sorry for her. Instead I smiled.

“Awesome, must come in handy a lot,” I said. The girl swallowed her pancakes and nodded again. 

“Sometimes yes. Why are you here?” She asked in a thick accent I wasn’t able to place. Somewhat it sound familiar, but I could not pinpoint it. 

“I’m here to protect Bucky. Where are you from, you are not American,”. Wanda looked at Steve for a few seconds. She seemed uncomfortable with me asking her that many questions. 

“Sokovia, I haven’t been an American for very long,” she mumbled. Steve looked up at me. His blue eyes were warning me, as if he was scared that I would offend her. I took another bite of my pancake and nodded. 

“I know Sokovia, it’s a good country. I’ve been there, when I was still working for Hydra. I haven’t been an American citizen either,”. I swallowed my last bite and smiled at the girl. 

“You’re Hydra?” the man with his arrows asked. I turned my head towards him. The blond man was sitting in the windowsill, cheeks stuffed with pancake. 

“If you paid attention you could hear that I was talking in a past sense, Robin Hood. Like you little act with those arrows, it is unimportant,” I said. Clint looked at me for a few seconds, before he started to laugh. 

“Well, I need to stay old fashioned if I am going to fight alongside those two grandpa’s,” Clint said. He got up from the windowsill and walked towards me. 

“So you are not like them from the 40’s? Well… that is so confusing?” I continued. I wasn’t even trying to insult the man, I just wanted to see how far I could go. Clint stopped next to me. His eyes had a twinkle that showed that he was enjoying this conversation. 

“I know that it must be confusing, being that you just came out your diapers. Not every man who has aged a little is from the 40’s,” he said. I chuckled and nodded. Nobody ever went along with whatever I said. Bucky always cut me off, he never took any of my shit. But Clint enjoyed trash talking just like me. I would have continued, if Hope didn’t run in, from the basement. 

“Everybody need to leave, right now! They must have followed Wanda, when you took her from Tony, Clint!” Hope yelled. The relaxed atmosphere vanished right away. Adrenaline started to rush through my body as I whipped into action. Everybody got up from their position and started to do what they were supposed to do. It took us two minutes before everybody was in the basement. 

“I need you all to listen to Scott. He is in control of the ants and he knows what he is doing. Don’t mess with anything, just listen!” Doctor Pym yelled. The plan sounded pretty simple when Hope and I made it. We all got harnesses that would allow us to shrink, just like Scott. The flying ants would bring us to the airport, where we would steal an airplane and leave the country. Not that it got to it, the plan sounded like the worst idea ever. 

“Stay close to me,” Bucky mumbles, when I was helping him getting in the harness. I attached the last straps and nodded. 

“I will,”. Bucky took my hand and the next moment, we had shrunken like the size of… well an ant. I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Everything around me was ten times bigger. Every step Pym took, made the floor shake. Being this tiny wasn’t something that I would want to do again, ever. I’d rather fight off an army of agents then be this tiny. 

“Now go, follow Scott!” Pym yelled. His voice sounded like thunder. Bucky pinched my hand and pulled me with him. It startled me how comfortable everybody seemed to be, being in this tiny state. Steve ran alongside with Scott, to a crack under the door. Even the new girl, Wanda, didn’t seem to mind that she wasn’t much bigger than a nail. This group was extremely strong, much stronger than I had ever thought. We made it outside, where there were a whole group of different kinds of ants. 

“Go on! We might be tiny, but they are still able to see us!” Scott yelled, while he climbed on a flying ant. Bucky pulled me towards another ant and helped me get on it. 

“I’m never doing this again. Fuck, I hate this!” I yelled. I wrapped my arms around Bucky’s waist and pressed my head against his back. Of all the mission I had to do, this was the worst by far. I hated it, the different sounds, the new things. It made me feel vulnerable. I pressed my head against Bucky’s back for the rest of the ride. I didn’t want to see what was under me, I didn’t want to see anything at all, until I was big again. Bucky must have realized that I wasn’t feeling well. He placed his hand against mine, until we landed at a save place. 

“Come on, you will be big before you know it,” Bucky said. I looked up, to see that we had landed on asphalt. Bucky stepped off the ant and took my hand, to help me off. The whole group stood around each other, with Scott in the middle. 

“Let’s run towards the hangar, be careful that they don’t see us. We will change back once we get inside,” Scott said. I hated it that we had to wait to change back. We would have been way faster if we were big and it would be less annoying. Bucky took my hand again and pulled me with him, while the group started to run towards that hangar. It was hard to keep up with people like Steve and Bucky. They are super human, and the others were not. Both of them could outrun me without any effort. We crawled under the hangar doors and spread out, so we wouldn’t be in the way if we grew back to our old height. I closed my eyes and placed my hand against the button. Growing and shrinking didn’t feel weird, it was a feeling that was indescribable. 

“You can all fucking kill me before I will do that shit again,” I panted. I placed my hands against my knees, to catch my breath. 

“Let’s hope it won’t come to that. Come on, let’s go in before someone notices us,” Steve says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! If you do, please comment, i love to hear from you!


	11. Emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend send me a link to some music from game of thrones and it was so fitting for Irina. Just as deadly and powerful as she is! So if you are able to listen to it, here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVS-_kzKxtA
> 
> And i really enjoyed this chapter! I hope you do too, if you do, please let me know! I would love to get some reactions.

Controlling emotions was something every girl struggled with. Especially when we hit puberty it became hard to shut our mouth when needed. They didn’t tolerate any emotions that they didn’t ask for. Punishments were the most extreme of all. My body still holds the scars they gave me. You see, girls from the red room knew every emotion. We studied every muscle in the face, every movement that goes behind emotions. But we were not allowed to feel them. We needed to control emotions, not be controlled by it. 

Today wasn’t the first time I stole a plane. With the help from Scott it was easy. The little man was very useful. Within minutes, we were safe in the air. The airplane wasn’t anything big or fancy. It probably belonged to a big, white, American who wanted to impress either his so called ‘friends’ or his mistress, but couldn’t really afford it. There was room for eight people, the pilot and co-pilot not included. Clint and I were the first to fly, so the others could rest. I loved flying. Being above the clouds and feeling the sun illuminate on my face… it made me feel free. In the air, nobody was able to tell you what to do. 

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Clint asked, squinting his eyes against the bright sun. I nodded for a few seconds before showing him a smile. I could feel how he turned his face, so his bright eyes could look at me. 

“Did you know Natasha, back there?” he asked. The smile on my face disappeared right away. I knew that Natalia’s American name was Natasha. They all made sure that we knew out traitors in and out. 

“She’s a few years older. I only trained with girls my own age,” I said. Clint glanced at the build in compass and nodded. He seemed satisfied with that answer. I knew that everybody here had connections with Natalia, something that made me a little anxious. They all seemed to like her, as if they didn’t know that she was a traitor. 

“Barton,”. The smile returned on my voice when I heard Bucky’s voice. Clint got up from his chair. 

“See ya later,” he sighed. Clint placed his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds. 

“Bye Robin Hood,” I smiled. Bucky took Clint his place, checked some off the buttons and displays before he turned towards me. 

“How are you, handsome?” I asked. I playfully placed my feet on his lap. Bucky placed his hands on my ankles and nodded. 

“I’m holding up,” he said. His fingers massaged the naked skin just above my shoes. It was nice to feel his rough fingers on my skin. His fingers assured me that all of this wasn’t a wicked dream. 

“Do you think we will ever a normal life?” Bucky asked. I turned my face towards the window, to look at the sunset. 

“The moment Hydra put their claws on us we were tagged. We are never going to have a normal life, because we are not normal. That is the curse of Hydra. I have already accepted that I will end in a bullet fire. Do you honestly want a normal life, though?” I asked. Bucky’s fingers travelled from my ankle towards my knee. 

“You are not going to end in a bullet fire. And a life in which I don’t have my girlfriend and a mini guy steal a plane to help me, would be nice. But you are right, Hydra marked us,” Bucky rested his hand on my knee. I could feel his warm fingers through my pants. 

“Could you imagine us normal? You working as a…hmm dog walker and I’m home. Baking and looking after our little children. An older boy named Steve, because I know that you would name your fucking child after that dick. And a little girl named Luna. And at night when those little fucks are asleep you fuck me on the kitchen table. Honestly Buck, only that last part sounds good,” I laughed. I would never able to live a normal life, nobody in this airplane could. Everybody was marked as soon as they interfered with powerful people. They made sure to use their pawn until they had destroyed every little piece that could give them a chance of a normal life. It bugged me when I was younger, when I was ignorant. But now I realize that I never would be happy if I hadn’t my action. 

“That last part does sound good yes,” Bucky mumbled. It was clear that Bucky was suffering quite a bit. His eyes looked tired, and heavy bags under them confirmed that. He tried to make the best out of this situation. I never knew the Bucky before Hydra, but I guess that that was his character before Hydra found him. 

“Look, we’ll solve this and after that we will go somewhere where none of those idiots will bother us. We could go to Mexico or Brazil? We’ll find a way to be happy. And if you really want you can take Steve with you, as a pet. We can build a little doggie house for him, with his name painted on top,” I smiled. Bucky pinched my knee and turned his eyes back to me. 

“Don’t be so hard on Steve. He is really a good guy. He is just doing what he is supposed to do,” Bucky said. I raised an eyebrow and pulled my legs away from Bucky. Steve would always be a person of conflict between Bucky and I. 

“I would be lying if I said that I would,”. I was checking on the height when I heard Steve’s voice behind me. 

“Honestly, why do you dislike me that much?”. A sigh escaped through my lips. I really didn’t feel like having a confrontation with Steve today. Especially not now I saw how tough it all was on Bucky. Seeing his friends fight was unnecessary and could be the last straw. 

“I don’t Steve, I love you very much,” I said sarcastically. Steve placed his hand on my shoulder, so he could turn my body around. I hated it when people touched me unnecessary. Nobody has any reason to put their hands on me. I pushed Steve’s hand away and jumped up from my chair. 

“Touch me again and I will break every bone that holds your pathetic body,” I hissed. Steve seemed shocked at my reaction. His blue eyes widened and he stepped back in surprise. 

“You know why I dislike you? Because the whole fucking worlds adores you. Everybody falls over our perfect Steve Rogers, man who saved the world and survived 70 years of goddamn ice. The whole fucking world likes you, puts you on a pedestal. And the only reason they do that is because they need a poster boy. The world needs his fucking savior. But that is not you, I can see through all your layers of red, white and blue. You are nothing more, nothing better than the soldiers in the field, than the people on this airplane here,” I yelled. It was not Steve as a person, it never was. I hated where he stood for. I hated that he was America, that everybody acted like he was perfection. Steve’s shocked expression changed to anger. He stepped closer, so he was only a few centimeters away from me. 

“Do you honestly believe that I’m happy with how that went? You think I signed up to be a poster boy for the army? To be send all over the country, to act a little play? Do you think I still want to be that poster boy? Because if I wanted that, I would not be here. I would have signed that stupid accord and would be hunting Bucky down. I did all of that to be able to fight back against the bullies. They used me and I let them, until they go too far. I will never do anything I do not stand behind. I’m sorry that I touched you, I should not have done that. But this whole act you are giving us is worthless,”. Steve’s blue eyes pierced through mine. Everybody felt the tension, as the whole group fell silence. Steve clenched his jaw and took a step back. 

“Could both of you stop? Stop acting like roosters. You know, you are both so similar. And the worst of all is that both off you are stubborn as hell. I already had a hard time taming down that little guy but now I have two idiots fighting over nothing. Accept each other. I love both of you and I’m not losing one because the other is childish,” Bucky interfered. I felt how he grabbed for my hand, so he could pull me towards him. My eyes were still locked with Steve’s. I didn’t want to understand Steve. What he said made sense, but my mind rejected every word that came out of his mouth. It took me a few seconds to calm down. 

“We both want to protect Bucky, let’s just do that and ignore each other,” I said. A part of me wanted to pull my gun and simply get rid of the problem by shooting Steve through that blue eye of his… but another part of me wanted to love what Bucky loved. I didn’t want to lose him over Steve. I was willing to live with Steve if I was able to be with Bucky. 

“You are both idiots,” Bucky said. He pulled me on his lap and pressed a kiss against my cheek. His warm lips took the last bit of anger out of my body. A smile returned. 

“Go sleep a little babe. We need to land in Germany and I feel like that will cause a little trouble,” Bucky whispered in my ears. His deep voice caused goosebumps over my whole body. 

“Sure, kick me out again so you can hang out with your boyfriend,” I chuckled. Bucky kissed me again, but this time on the lips. Nobody had ever been able to make me feel as good as Bucky did with just a kiss. He was the love of my life. 

“Go,” Bucky said. I got up from his lap and walked passed Steve, to find a place to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! The big chapter will come soon!!!


	12. Germany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry for not responding that often. School is killing me.

The red room always gave us the feeling that they would go through fire for us. Even though they were harsh, they did tell us how valuable we were for the motherland. It made us believe that we were unique and special. Only when we grew older, we learnt that that was not true. They didn’t care for us and didn’t think we were special. The red room had whole orphanages full of potential spies. As soon as one of us disappeared, they got replaced with a new girl. And when it happened to you…you kept the false hope. Because it was the only home you had ever known, and you wanted to believe that at least someone found you valuable. 

The fight with Steve made me unable to sleep. I had found a comfortable chair close to the window. Clint had even given me a blanket, but my mind didn’t allow me to rest. Even when Bucky sat down next to me and held my hand, I wasn’t able to fall asleep. I heard the door to the cockpit opened. Clint walked out, with heavy bags under his eyes. 

“Go to sleep, I’ll fly,” I said softly. The man looked up and gave me a short nod. He had been so sleep deprived that he wasn’t even able to give me a comment. I got up from my chair and offered the blanket back to Clint. 

“Go lay down Legolas. I don’t want an arrow up my ass because you fell asleep while shooting,” I laughed softly. Clint started to laugh and grabbed the blanket. 

“Now, we can’t have your cute ass scarred,”. Clint walked past me and let himself fall down in the chair, next to Bucky. Steve was still in the cockpit, sitting alone. The sun had disappeared and the view had now changed from a few hours ago. It was breathtaking to see all the small lights down below. 

“Don’t you want some sleep?” I asked. Steve looked up and shook his head. 

“Like you said, I’ve slept for 70 years. I can miss some,” he answered. A soft sigh left my lips. I sat down in the chair and turned it to face Steve. 

“Quit being the salty ass bitch, please. I am trying to care for you, so Bucky doesn’t have to act like our fucking babysitter,” I sighed. Steve looked at me for a few seconds, before shrugging. There was something on Steve’s mind as well. Something made him unable to rest. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked. There was a difference between disliking someone and not caring about a person. Even though I did not believe in what Steve stood for and what he did, he did do some good. And he deserved to be happy. It took Steve a few seconds to finally speak. 

“How can I possibly rest when I’m fighting my own friends. I know this is easy for you. You don’t really care about the other side of the story. The ‘bad guys’ are our friends. Wanda’s friends, Clint’s friends. We love them and the government has pulled us apart. I love Bucky, and I would do this all over gain in a heartbeat. But the fact that I’m probably hurting the others with it…it pulls on me,”. Steve had tightened his grip around the control wheel. He was suffering, like everybody on this plane. At this moment, the only person who felt the best was probably me. My life already had been a bitch, and this action I got…I felt good. It felt like back home, as if I had a small family again. 

“I dislike the crap out of you, just so you keep that in mind. But stop beating yourself up. Steve, they choose the side of the government. They did this to themselves. Just like you, you choose this. If they are your friends they still love you, even though they don’t support your choice. You are a dick, but right now you are doing a good thing,”. Steve kept looking at me for a few seconds with a faint smile around his lips. 

“Why can’t you always be like this, I like this more,” he said. I shrugged and turned my chair back to the small windows. 

“Someone needs to drag your stupid ass down to earth. It took only a few compliments and you’re acting like a fucking god,” I said. Steve and I stayed in the cockpit until dawn rose up in the horizon. Nobody looked forward to dawn, I meant that we were getting close to Germany. We weren’t able to go any further with this airplane. It was dangerous to move around in a new airport and everybody could get hurt. Something deep inside my body felt like something was going to happen in Germany. I didn’t know what it was…but something didn’t feel right. It did frighten me, because I didn’t know this group very well or how good they were in fighting. And I didn’t want to leave anybody behind. I could take care of myself…but others couldn’t. Bucky and Sam were going to land the airplane, but I stayed in the cockpit with them. I was stood behind Bucky, with my arms around his neck. 

“It has been a while since I took down a plane like this,” Sam grunted. Both the men were focused, trying to keep an eye on the incoming airplane. I leaned down and pressed a kiss against Bucky his hair. 

“We’re ready!” Wanda yelled. Everybody needed to abandon the plane as soon as possible, so police couldn’t get us. It was a big risk to land on an airfield. Landing in a big field would have been safer, but we wouldn’t be able to escape fast. The airplane came closer to the ground and with a little bump it landed. A police car was already waiting for us. 

“Irina?” Bucky asked softly. A smile appeared on my face. We had expected this, and had an idea ready. I kissed Bucky’s cheek and turned around to walk to the small airplane door. Scott had already shrunken and jumped on my shoulder. 

“I will murder you if you dare to fall down my shirt,” I smiled. I felt how Scott grabbed my hair tightly, so he wouldn’t fly off my shoulder once the door would open. 

“Yes, I already had an idea you would,” he said softly. The door opened and I raised my arms, to show that I wasn’t going to do any harm. The agents were hiding behind their car, with their guns out. They screamed something, but I wasn’t able to hear what they were trying to say. 

“We’re covering you,” Clint whispered, before I stepped down the tiny ladder. Wanda was standing right next to the door and would help me if something went wrong. We wanted to try and be civil, so I and Scott had to knock the agents out so they would lose conscience long enough for everybody to run off. I was the only person who spoke German, so I needed to try and get as close as possible. 

“Stop! Don’t come close!” The German agent yelled in his own language. I stopped walking and felt how Scott jumped off my shoulder to move closer. 

“I don’t want any trouble,” I answered them back, in German. The two agents looked at each other for a few seconds when they heard me talk. The red room had taught us many things and one of those was speaking without an accent. It made going undercover that much easier. 

“We need help; can you please help us?” I distracted them further. One of the agents opened his mouth to talk, but right at that moment Scott reached them. Seeing the tiny guy fight was amazing. I wasn’t able to see him with the naked eye, so It looked like a ghost beating up two agents. When both agents were down on the ground, I heard the others run towards me, ready to continue our journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this!


	13. Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to read the end notes, it's important c:

Death was a common subject among the girls. From an early age, they made us kill our best friends if they were too weak. ‘We should free the ones who cannot protect themselves’ was a quote used many times by the trainers. The girls walked hand in hand with death, as old friends. I never feared death. Somehow the idea of being free from this earthly body sounded good. And after everything I went through in my early life, I could not leave it just yet. With Bucky by my side and the new friends I got to meet, I didn’t welcome death anymore. 

The whole group had only been able to run a few miles, before a deep voice made them stop. I didn’t understand the reason why we had stopped, until I saw what they saw. Two men in Iron man like suits landed, right under a tall, pink humanoid man was flying above the concrete. Next to them were a man in a tight, black suit, a smaller man in a tight, red suit and a woman that made a grin appear on my face. I would be able to recognize the traitors from miles. Natalia could never hide who she was. 

“Stop it, Cap. We need to bring Barnes in. If you work with us we might be able to do something for him!”. The deep voice from earlier that stopped them had come from the same person, Iron man. He took a step, shorting the distance between the two groups. 

“You know I can’t turn him in, Tony. He’s my friend. I can’t do that,” Steve said. It was surprising to hear the torment in his voice. Steve really was struggling with the fact that he had to turn on his friends to help his best friend. Bucky stepped before me, cutting me off from seeing Natalia and the others. It wasn’t him trying to protect me. He was showing his support by stepping by Steve’s side. 

“If you don’t bring him in, we will, with force,” Tony said. The mask, that had come off when he landed next to his friends, moved back in front of his face. 

“Be careful,” Steve whispered softly while positioning the shield in front of his chest. I had no idea who half of these people were. None of them knew who I was. Still everybody was ready to pound each other. It really was screwed up if you thought about it, but everybody had their own reason that made it legitimate. Tony was the first one to move. He launched himself back into the air, flying straight to us. From there, everybody started to move. Sam and Wanda went in the air as well, just like the other Iron man and the humanoid man. My target was simple, I wanted Natalia. I wanted to hurt her and make her pay for everything she did against my motherland. Being able to protect Bucky in the same time only made things easier. I was so close to her, when a black figure ran in to me from the side. I grunted softly, angry that I had to change my concentration from Natalia to this man. My back hit a black car, which made me lose my breath for a few seconds. The man was strong and not up for giving me a second to catch my breath. I saw a big hand, clawing towards me. Just in time I was able to catch his wrist between my hands. The man’s sharp nails were just a few inches from my face. My heart started pounding and I could feel adrenaline rush through my body. It really was a fight I hadn’t had in a long time. 

“Come on now, kitty cat,” I chuckled softly, noticing the little ears on his head. I raised my knee, pushing it deep between the cat’s ribs. The man grunted. He pulled his hand out of my grip, going in for another attack. I quickly turned my body 45 degrees, pulling myself onto the car and jumping over the big cat. But before I was able to land on my feet, the cat had clawed his sharp nails into my ankle, dragging me to the ground. A scream left my lips, as I felt blood drenching my socks. From there on it turned hazy. Adrenaline was taking over my body and putting in into autopilot. Sweat started to cover my body from head to toe. It had been a long time since I had fought this way. The Americans only allowed me to go out on missions a few times, and they never resulted in me fighting this intensely. I looked back while clenching my jaw. Again, I raised my leg, this time to kick my foot against the cat’s jaw. While he fell backwards, I could feel how his nails tore the wounds in my leg further open. I wanted to reach for my gun, trying to end this fight before the cat could get me. The cat jumped back on his feet before I was able to reach it. But the red, blue and white shield from Steve came between us. Steve launched the cat backwards, away from me, with his shield. He fell in front of Bucky, who had found Natalia to fight with. The fact that Steve had helped angered me. With fire in my eyes, I looked up at the blond man. 

“I had him!” I yelled, getting up. Normally, the pain in my leg would have stopped me. But I was on a mission and there was nothing going to step in between that. 

“Yeah, I know,” Steve sighed. The red guy swung over, hanging on a white string. After seeing Scott’ things like that and the cat didn’t even surprise me anymore. All those fucking idiots came up with more freakish ideas to copy animals. I turned around, running after the cat who was now fighting with Bucky. At the same time, Natalia was still trying to hurt him. 

“I see you still have your dirty tricks, fighting two against one,” I yelled in Russian. I ran up to Natalia, attacking her from the side. The surprised face on Natalia’s face was priceless. She didn’t know me, as she was in a whole different group of girls. But I would make sure that she learned that the younger girls knew their traitors. The woman regained her posture quickly, lashing out with her fist towards me. A spectator would realize that she and I were on the same level. We were constantly blocking each other, knowing what kind of attack we were trying to do. The red room trained their girls well, but all the same way. 

“They haven’t stopped requiting girls apparently,” Natalia grunted in Russian, after I blocked her from wrapping her legs around my neck. The grin came back onto my face. 

“As if they are ever going to stop, princess,”. I had found a way between Natalia her blocks, being able to close my hands around her neck. It would have been so easy to snap her neck, a quick twist and I would have been able to hear her last breath over her pretty lips. But Steve’s words stuck with me. This human bag of shit was one of his friend and he loved them. And even though I’d love to see almost everybody drop dead… I could not end her life. The stupid star spangled asshole had gotten to me. I pushed Natalia’s head back, making her unable to see what was happening. 

“Buck!” I yelled. The man turned around, knowing exactly what I meant. Bucky dropped on one knee, punching with his metal fist in Natalia’s stomach. I felt how the woman tensed up and screamed in pain. When I released her, she fell to the ground. One of many positive things that had come out of training with Bucky was being able to know what he would want. And it was the same for him. I had been scared for days, thinking that he would hurt me. But we learned to listen to each other without talking. In the time we trained together, Bucky and I became in sync. Fighting like a well-oiled machine. Because Bucky was low to the ground, I was able to place my hand on his left shoulder, using him as leverage to kick the Cat away with both my feet. 

“Please give me a reminder after this not to piss you off,” Bucky said. He jumped up, placing his hand against my waist and pulling me close. 

“I can kick your ass without you pissing me off. Be careful,” I smiled. Bucky leaned in, to press a soft kiss against my lips. A moment like this didn’t last long. I couldn’t really enjoy the kiss, I noticed Natalia jumping back up her feet. I turned around, returning to the intense fight. The woman really did know how to fight. Even though I was able to block most attacks, there were a few moments where she knocked the air out of my body. Things changed when I saw in the corner of my eye how Steve was in trouble. The man was in a fight with the red guy, both only having eyes for each other. It made Steve unaware of Tony, who was heading his way. 

“Steve!” I yelled. It made Natalia stop. She turned around, checking if her friend was still alive. Even Bucky and the cat stopped their fight. Steve was not able to hear my voice over the loud noises. He would not see the attack from behind. I left Natalia for what she was. She deserved a good fight, one in which I would kick her ass and teach her how to be loyal to people. But Steve was more important than my wish for her to pay. Bucky was the most important thing there was in my life, and Steve was his. In order to keep Bucky happy, I needed to keep Steve alive. Without looking back, I ran towards the man. It felt like it took minutes to run the short distance between her location and Steve, but in reality it was just seconds. It was long enough for Steve to kick away the red guy and raising his arm to hit him in the head with his shield. Tony was hovering above the ground, clearly angry by the move that Steve wanted to pull. I pulled my gun out of my holster, raising it towards Tony. When I saw how a small gun came out Tony’s, I fired, just like he did. I had stopped running when I had reached Steve’s back, protecting the part that he could not. My bullet drilled into Tony’s chest plate, not hurting him for even a second. The bullet, meant to hit Steve in his shoulder followed its course, right through me. I felt the metal piercing through my chest, making its way through my chest. From that point, everything was in slow motion. The pain spread like a warm blanked all through my body, taking away all my senses. While my body was giving up, I felt how I slowly got swallowed in pain. Every inch of my body started to throb, thirsty for fresh blood. Before my body hit the ground my sight turned black. And after that everything was gone. There was no sound, no pain and no light. Everything was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this, even though it ended this way....
> 
> BUT DON'T WORRY it's not the end quite yet, i'll be posting soon again. 
> 
> Please leave a message, it really helps!


	14. Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is written from Bucky's point of view. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it just as much as I had writing it!

I had met new girls from the Red Room a million times. Every time when the cold left my body and I was able to feel again, they introduced me to a new girl. All of them had fear in their eyes and all of them were beautiful. It kept surprising me how gorgeous the girls were that they found. I only realized later that the beautiful ones, every single time, it was always Irina. With time, my memory came back and so my emotions and feelings about everything that had happened. I regretted much. I regretted every innocent soul I touched and I regretted that I didn’t fight back harder. But the part that I didn’t regret was meeting Irina. She was the only thing I was proud of.   
Hearing the distress in her voice made everybody stop. It was as if everybody knew that it was getting serious, too serious. My eyes searched for Irina, assuring myself that the girl was save. But she wasn’t where she was supposed to be. 

“Irina?” Her name left my lips in a whisper. She caught my attention when I looked over at Steve. The girl was making her way over to him, trying to protect him from Tony. My body felt a thousand times heavier when I realized what she had seen. He was going to shoot Steve.  
I wanted to move. I wanted to run and scream for everybody to move aside and help Irina. But my body didn’t do anything. I was watching a car crash and I couldn’t look away. The gunshot pulled me out of my catatonic state, slapping me back in to reality. Where a second ago I didn’t feel a thing, I now felt everything. I could feel my mouth turning dry and my eyes burning. I could feel how my heart rate fastened and how my breath became short and fast. Irina fell to the ground. Blood colored Steve’s back. 

“Irina?!” My voice had returned. I took a small step. And another one. I tried to make my way over to her as soon as possible, but my feet didn’t want to face what had happened. 

“Irina!” I yelled. I knew that there was nothing I could do. But something deep inside me hoped that she would move as soon as she heard me. My feet started to move faster. With every step that I took I came closer to Irina. I let myself drop to my knees. Irina was on her back. Her eyes were closed and apart from the gaping hole in her chest, she looked asleep. I pulled Irina up by her shoulders, hugging her body against my chest. 

“Wake up, please,”. I pulled out my fingerless glove with my teeth. Warm blood was slowly drenching my pants, but I didn’t even feel it. I wanted to feel her warm skin now that it was possible. Carefully I let my fingertips brush over Irina’s cheeks. 

“Babe, wake up,” I whispered again. The burning sensation grew. I was not able to see clearly anymore now that my eyes were filling up with tears. It now hit me. Seeing the peaceful expression on Irina her face made me realize that she was gone. She had been murdered while protecting him, while protecting Steve. A tear fell down my cheek. I grabbed Irina by the back of her head and softly pressed my forehead against her’s. 

“Don’t leave me please. I can’t do this alone…I…don’t want…. I don’t want to do this alone,”. I felt myself choking on my own words. Softly, I pressed my lips against her cooling skin. I could not let go of her body just yet. She didn’t deserve that. 

“You promised… You promised to live with me. I would do those… those stupid dogs,” I cried softly. Tears were falling down my skin, wetting Irina her hair. She didn’t wake up. There was nothing I could do to bring her back; nobody could bring her back. Irina was gone. The only beautiful and proud part about my past had been destroyed. 

“I didn’t mean to kill her. It was a warning shot for Steve!”. I had completely shut myself off from the others. But they were slowly able to invade the moment that I needed. The deep burning feeling of sorrow slowly changed. The hatred I had felt before meeting Irina took over every cell of my body. I carefully lowered Irina to the ground. 

“You killed her,” My voice was surprisingly calm and clear. I knew what I had to do and I was going to do it no matter what. Slowly I looked up from Irina’s body. Tony was standing by her feet. His mask was off and his face was a picture of shock. I tried to get off the ground. Tony needed to pay. He needed to suffer for taking away the only beautiful thing in his life. 

“You filthy pathetic excuse for a human being, you…-”” Stop!” Steve interrupted me. I felt Steve grabbed me by my shoulders, pulling me back to the ground. Nobody was going to stop me from collecting the debt that Tony owned me, owned Irina. I tried to elbow Steve in the face, hoping to be able to free myself. 

“This is not the right thing,” a deep voice with a thick accent said. I felt how someone grabbed my other arm. The anger in me grew. I needed to kill Tony. He had to pay for shooting someone innocent. 

“Bucky!” Steve grabbed me around my throat, pinning me on my back to the ground. He, together with T’Challa, sat on my arms, hoping that they could stop me. It took the two of them a couple minutes to calm me down. I kept fighting to get free. Only when the deep sorrow started to return and tears of frustration streamed down my face, I gave up the fight. Steve had pulled me in a hug, allowing me to cry on his shoulder. 

“You can be proud of her Buck. She was a pain in the ass sometimes, but she was amazing and if anything would have ever happened to her, this was the way she wanted to go. You know that,” Steve whispered in my ear. I pressed my face in the crook of Steve’s neck, not caring that anybody could see my ugly crying. 

“She was my pain in the ass. She was mine,” I cried. For a few seconds I allowed myself to look at Irina a final time. Tony was sitting next to her. He had his head in his heads and I could see how his shoulders were trembling. 

“He didn’t want to kill her. He was protecting someone he cared about as well. You can’t take this out on Tony. Irina wouldn’t have wanted that,” Steve whispered. I let my head rest on Steve shoulder, taking in everything that happened. 

“She would have straight up murdered everybody who even tried to kill me, you know that. Don’t give me that sweet talk crap. She would have fight till the end to protect what was hers. I deserve it though…after everything I had done. After every life I took away. It is only fair that I am feeling the same way as relatives of people that I killed,” I mumbled. It was a curse. The moment that Hydra had touched me I had been cursed. There were moments of happiness and love. Irina showed me how to love and how to enjoy the world. But as soon as I started to be happy, the curse would step in and take everything away. 

“You don’t deserve it. Nobody deserved anything of this. We all handled it wrong. For Christ sake, we are fighting friends. We are all insane,” Steve said. Tony looked up from the ground. His eyes were puffy and bright red. He was suffering. It was not the way Bucky had wanted him to suffer and now that he saw the pain in Tony’s face, he somehow felt the need to tell him that he should not feel guilty. 

“Steve is right. We need to work together, not against each other. Look what happened,” Clint jumped in. He walked over to Tony, placing his hand on the man’s shoulder. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. I slowly got up from my position against Steve. Irina deserved honor. 

“We are going back and I will turn myself in. We will do this peacefully. Whatever the government wants you all to sign and whatever they are going to do to me. It is the right way. We should talk and fight with words instead of this. Irina never doubted me or what we were doing. She just came with me and protected me. We can’t let anybody else get hurt,” I said. Slowly I walked back to Irina, lifting her up from the ground. Her body had turned cold and blood has pooled underneath her. She didn’t deserve to stay here. Irina deserved a good place where I could visit her when things got rough. 

“I am sorry. I am so, so, so sorry for hurting you this way. I can’t…. I… I didn’t want to hurt her. I am so sorry,” Tony whispered. His red eyes filled up with tears. 

“Shut the fuck up. Just bring us home. Bring her home,” Bucky said. He wasn’t ready to sweet talk with Tony. He had taken something from me that was very dear to me. Right now I needed time to process what had happened and what was going to happen. Tony and his group had come to Germany with his airplane which made it easy for the whole group to leave as fast as they had come. Nobody bothered me. They left me alone to grief by Irina’s body. I never let her out of my sight. Even though her soul had left her body, that didn’t mean she was gone. Her gorgeous face and soft skin were still there. And she deserved to be treated right. It was Steve who came every now and then to give something to drink or eat. When we came close to America, Steve came back to me. 

“Tony has made some calls. Our priority is you and a good place for Irina’s to rest. When we arrive at the airport there will be a police escort. They will stay with us until we get to Tony’s place. There we are set under house arrest. From there on we have to fight for your and our freedom through talking,” Steve shared with me. I softly pinched Irina’s hand. She wasn’t going to react, but it made me somehow feel like she was still alive. I would do whatever was necessary for everybody to be safe. There had been enough fighting and enough blood. It was time to fight this battle a way that ‘The winter soldier’ never had been able to do, talk. 

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Winter had finally fallen. The whole place was covered in a thick layer of snow. It was calm outside, which made it perfect to take a visit. It had been a year since Irina had died. It had been a busy year with a lot of hours spent talking. But it had paid off and for the first time in years I was able to take time for me. I stopped walking when I reached a clean brushed tombstone. Steve had kept his promise. He and Tony had made sure that Irina got everything she deserved. Every week someone brought fresh flowers and whenever I wasn’t able to keep everything clean someone else did it. Tony had also done everything to help me. I work for the government now. Lawyers had convinced the government that whatever I had done wasn’t done because I wanted to. Now I needed to pay my debt by helping America. It wasn’t too bad. It was worth it after what had happened with Irina. I would do everything to keep the peace. 

“I don’t think I have ever told you that I really find her stone beautiful,” I looked over my shoulder to see Steve. Small snowflakes got stuck in his blond hair and his cheeks were extra red because of the cold. After returning to in America Steve gave up his title as Captain America. Officially he wasn’t Cap anymore, but he had already fought 3 times with his shield and uniform. America couldn’t work without Cap and Cap couldn’t work without America. They were still talking about what was the best way to solve the problem, but for now everything was peaceful. 

“Yeah, Tony allowed me to pick out any stone I wanted. So she got the best,” I smiled proudly. Irina was still in my mind every single day. I still loved her and I lived every day for her. 

“She would have kicked me if she knew that I worked for America,” I chuckled. Steve laughed as well. 

“Yeah she would. But I think she would also be a little proud. I personally know that she had a big mouth, but when it comes to it, she had a huge heart,” I nodded. Irina had a big heart with a lot of love. She was perfect. 

“Come on, I’m hungry. Let’s go grab a bite. It’s cold here,” Steve said. I nodded again. It was time to go on. Irina would stay in my heart forever. She had taught me to fight for what I wanted and protect the people I loved. She had opened my eyes and I kept them open for her. I was happy again, the curse had lifted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the end. I had so much fun writing this and had so many tears the last few chapters. I had two different endings in my mind and found this one the best (even tho I freaking love Irina she's like my daughter). I really really really hope you had fun reading this. 
> 
> Please please please leave a message with your opinion! I love to hear about it.


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